Curt Weldon: Double-Naught Spy Makes Good

Curt Weldon
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Weldon,

I don't know if you've heard about it yet, but the RNC rescheduled Saddam's sentencing date, moving it from yesterday to November 5th. That should give us Republicans a nice little bump as we execute our 72 hour GOTV operation.

Sadly, given your close relationship with Muammar al-Gaddafi, your belief that you're a top secret double-naught spy, and your impending indictment on corruption charges, you're going to need a lot more help than that. You'll need something that'll give you your own personal bump.

That's why I think you should call Ken Mehlman immediately and demand that Saddam be sentenced to fight you on prime-time television the night before the election. Think about it. You could promote it as the ultimate battle between good and evil. In one corner, a brutal dictator who tortured his enemies and sent thousands of his own people to their deaths, in the other, a double-naught spy serving undercover as a congressman who votes to legalize pain approaching, but not equal to, that experienced during organ failure and sends thousands of other people's children to die honorably for our freedom to shop non-subversively at Wal-Mart.

You'll want to drag it out for as long as possible to maximize your exposure to the voters. I suggest that you toy with him for the first ten rounds, slapping him silly with your toupe before finally whipping out your Glowstick of Freedom and forcing him to reveal the location of his weapons of mass destruction.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot