A mason jar a day will ruin a man

Ian Schwartz
HotAir.com

Dear Mr. Schwartz,

I was sorry to hear that one of your readers, Chad Castagana, was arrested for mailing white powder to Keith Olbermann, Nancy Pelosi and others. While I'm sure you're glad that such acts aren't treated as terrorism when patriots are involved--Chad will not be tortured or denied habeas corpus--you should still be concerned about why he was caught. He obviously became careless, and I think the reason for his carelessness can be traced to a weakness many patriots, probably including yourself, possess.

A review of his posts at your old blog, the Free Republic, and other sites reveal him to be a man who is desperately seeking to fulfill his heterosexual destiny. The sheer depth of his longing is so evident in these posts, one can almost hear the drool splatter on his keyboard. Unfortunately, his beliefs about how a woman should be treated virtually guarantee that he will never achieve his dreams. He appears to be destined to live a life of sexual frustration.

While there's nothing wrong with that--indeed, sexual frustration fuels our conservatism--we can become consumed by it. I suspect that's what happened to Chad.

My guess is that he tried to satiate his desire by launching a war of liberation on the behalf of his spermatazoan-American children. I'm sure he took a measured approach at first, fighting only enough battles to fill a mason jar every couple of months or so, and thus leaving him with enough spare time to adequately cover his tracks in his other war, the one he waged against Olberman, Pelosi, and their ilk.

But as time wore on and his frustration grew, I suspect his crusades to free spermatazoan-Americans grew more and more frequent, until finally, it became a full-time endeavor. He no longer had time to take proper security precautions in his other work, the white powder war. You can't do that when you're filling a mason jar a day and worrying about cellar space.

I hope you haven't fallen into the same trap. Reading your posts over the years certainly causes me to worry that you might. Please try to keep it to a mason jar every couple of months and you'll be ok.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot