Substitute Legislating for the Hammer

Rep. Shelley Sekula-Gibbs
Substitute Congressperson

Dear Rep. Sekula-Gibbs,

I'm not sure you have what it takes to substitute legislate for The Hammer. Congress is a very rough place, and your new colleagues are sure to test you to see if you are as hard as the guy you're replacing.

First, it'll be something small, say, Rep. Doolittle will sneak into your office and steal your spoon. Then, when you're sitting in the members' cafeteria, eating freedom fries with your fingers, he'll sit down next to you and make a big show of eating his soup with that spoon. If you don't call him on it, you'll be labeled as a punk. Once that happens you're screwed. Your caucus-mates will strip your office and force you to go on smack runs when Limbaugh's in town.

Fortunately, you've already made a few moves to earn yourself the kind of reputation that'll discourage that kind of testing. On your first visit to your office, you treated your staff so cruelly that five of them quit on the spot. It must have been one heck of a tirade. You scared the Washington Post reporter who witnessed it so badly, he wrote a "goofy, light-hearted profile" instead of the truth to avoid becoming a target for your anger.

Still, that may not be enough. Your best bet is to search out the biggest, meanest guy in your caucus, perhaps Joe Barton or Denny Hastert, kick his ass and make him your bitch. That'll earn you the respect you'll need to make it through the remaining 46 days of your term with your honor intact.

Heterosexually yours (in a way in which my wife, OfJoshua would approve)

Gen. JC Christian, patriot