Muqtada's man in Washington

Muqtada al-Sadr
Shi'i Warlord
c/o Embassy of the Republic of Iraq

Dear Mr. Sadr,

You may recall that I wrote you awhile back about my grandmother's problems with Medicare. I'd hoped that you would command Our Leader to pay for her medication when the "doughnut hole" potion of her Part D coverage kicked in. I figured that if you could command Our Leader to abandon a military operation to find a missing American soldier, it would be no problem for you to tell him to cop a few meds for Grandma.

Unfortunately, you didn't respond, and now Grandma wants to move in with us so she can use her rent money to buy prescriptions. I had hoped it wouldn't come to that. We really don't like her all that much--she's always praising FDR and leaving the toilet seat up--but what would the neighbors think if we turned her away?

I see you still have a lot of influence at the White House. After all, you were able to convince Our Leader to release Saddam to your flunky, Maliki, so you could execute him to chants of "Muqtada, Muqtada, Muqtada" on the eve of the Shi'i Eid (the Sunni Eid had already begun). It was the kind of press event people would kill for (and you did), but it couldn't have happened if Our Leader had the guts to tell you, "no."

So I'm asking you again. Could you please tell President Bush to take care of Grandma's Medicare problems?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot