Update on the War against Womenwhosayfuckuslamunistofascism

Wolf Blitzer
CNN's Situation Room

Dear Mr. Blitzer,

Please forgive me if I ramble a bit in this note. I'm a little nervous. I mean it isn't everyday that a guy like me has an opportunity to write the man with the manliest name on television.

"Wolf Blitzer," the name cojures up an image of a muscular, stern-looking man-beast decked out in liederhosen and a pickelhaube and fondling a riding crop in his wicked hand talons as he sizes you up with his eager steely eyes.

Uh, I'd better leave it at that.

Anyway, I wanted to congratulate you for having the courage to tackle the pressing national problem of candidates who hire bloggers who use the word "fuck" and criticize the Pope. It's a tough story to do. After all, while cussing and Pope criticizing are considered to be criminal acts when performed by Amanda Marcotte or Shakesphere's Sister, they're considered to be dignified acts of statesmenship when Vice President Cheney speaks at Bob Jones University.

I also think it was very brave of you to have William Donahue on to attack the bloggers. Given his history, you never know how he's going to act around Jews. I'm sure you asked yourself, "Is this the day he yells 'Juden' and stabs me for promoting anal sex?" Yet, you still had him on talk about civility. That took guts.

So now, I bet you're wondering how you can get another day out of this important story. I think I can help you out there. Heck, the information I have could provide CNN with a full week of programming. You see, I know for a fact that Amanda often wears adult diapers so she can write the word "fuck" and complain about the Pope for hours at a time without stopping--kind of like that astonaunt, Lisa Nowak, but without the mace or the bb gun.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot