"Worse Than The...Church Paedophilia Scandal"

Der Pöpenführer is under attack. Sensitive documents stolen from the Most Holy and Sacred Pad of The Immaculate, but most Certainly Hetero and Celibate, Bachelor (MHSPICHCB) and various Vatican offices found their way into a new book about power struggles in the Holy See. This assault against Der Pöpenfüher is said to be so fierce, one Vatican insider described it as "even worse than the storm caused by the Church paedophilia scandal."

One of the first victims of the scandal was Gian Maria Vian, the editor of the official Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, whose reputation was besmirched by accusations he had leaked documents revealing a rival editor, Dino Boffo, to be a homosexualist. The Vatican responded by calling the charge that Vian had leaked the documents, "spurious and groundless," and noting that "The Holy Father Benedict XVI deplores these unjustified and offensive attacks." The Holy Ghost, however, fired Mr Boffo for his lack of commitment to the heterosexualist lifestyle.

Other leaked documents are purported to expose corruption and mismanagement at the Vatican Bank, whose president, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi, suddenly resigned last week, a €10,000 Papal Audience Fee, a half million Euro nativity scene, and the gift of a €100,000 hunk of precious fungi procured for Der Pöpenführer.

Perhaps the greatest Papal betrayal came from a man very close to His Holiness, his manservant, Paolo Gabriele. The Swiss Guard is holding him in a Vatican prison cell for stealing documents from the MHSPICHCB. Der Pöpenführer is said to be "particularly hurt with regard to...Gabriele, who he was close to, who he knew, loved and respected."

Others are concerned that Gabriele may be a scapegoat because he would not have access to many of the documents. "It would be as if the Obama's personal babysitter suddenly got access to files at the Pentagon," noted one Vatican insider."

But if not Gabriele, who? Some claim that Cardinals are leaking the documents in an effort to pressure the Vatican Secretary of State, Tarcisio Bertone, into resigning. Apparently, many of the leaked documents came from his office. No one, as yet, has pointed a finger at any specific cardinals.

Wicked, anti-Catholic heretics point to Der Pöpenführer's very very personal secretary and close, constant, but certainly most heterosexual and celibate, companion, the Teutonicly Apollonian Fr. Georg Gänswein. His "influence has grown in the last two years as have the rumours concerning attempts to drive him away from the Pope." The wicked would argue that Fr. Gänswein would have leaked the documents in a misguided attempt to help his Pappa.

Personally, I blame Cardinal George. I'm told by one Jesus' General source that Der Pöpenführer calls him, "that vicious queen who doesn't know Prada from Rubber55."

Dinge, die ich gelernt vom Der Popenfuhrer

The Catholic News Agency (CNA) finally gets around to telling us that Jesus' mom warned us about the Japanese disasters:

The epicenter of the earthquake that caused a deadly March 11 tsunami is located near the site of an apparition in which Mary warned about a worldwide disaster that could afflict humanity.

…The city of Akita, which experienced fire damage and flooding along with many parts of northern Japan, is a place of veneration for Catholics.

…Reports from Akita following Friday’s earthquake indicate that the city received significantly less damage than other parts of northern Japan, despite its proximity to the epicenter.

It's true. Der Popenfuhrer verified that it was indeed the Holy Mother and not simply a barfly trying to cage a few drinks from the pious:

The purported appearances of the Virgin Mary in Japan were reviewed by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger in 1988. During his time as Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith prior to his election as Pope Benedict XVI, he let stand the local bishop’s judgment that the apparitions and the messages were acceptable for the faithful.

...Two years after the last message, the statue of the Virgin Mary in the chapel where the apparitions had occurred began to emit tears and drops of blood. The occurrence continued for more than six years.

Mrs. Christ also foretold a great struggle within the Church:

The work of the devil will infiltrate even into the Church, in such a way that one will see cardinals opposing cardinals, bishops against bishops.

Thankfully, Der Popenfuhrer has kept Satan at bay by raising up an army of strapping young altar boys.

Still, Satan's made progress in subverting the Church. According to CNA, the demand for homosexualist marriage can be traced directly back to the day Pope Paul VI first allowed mass to be conducted in English:

...is it any wonder there are Catholics in our day who operate as though their personal preferences legitimately reign supreme in such fundamental matters of faith as how one defines the sanctity of marriage? Consider, if you will, the convoluted yet not entirely unpredictable logic that the current liturgical climate has invited.

Liturgical rites are by their very nature, according to Cardinal Ratzinger, “anchored in the time and place of the event of Divine revelation.” (Spirit of the Liturgy – Ignatius Press - 2000)

Our Catholic faith likewise professes that marriage is a gift that is divinely given. (The similarities do not end there, indeed they are many, but I trust the point is well made.)

If the Church’s desire for renewal at Vatican Council II opened the door for the former to be legitimately approached as an expression of personal preference, why not the latter...

Perhaps this is why so many on the Catholic Left who embrace personal choice when it comes to things like abortion and sexual morality are often moved to outright hostility at the mere suggestion that there is value in the traditional form of Holy Mass for anyone. Could it be that they realize there is much more at stake in the liturgy than what goes on within the walls of the church building? (Ironic, is it not, given the mantra of the Left, “Stay out of my bedroom?”)

The fundamental difficulty here is that when liturgy, in practice, becomes a venue in which believers are empowered to exercise choice as a function of personal preference the stage is set for a certain “idolatry of self” to play itself out...

The social justice themed liturgy, in practice, can tend dangerously close to a quasi-religious form of secular humanism, and it is no mere coincidence that such causes as those that have come to define Reform Judaism as much as anything else - abortion on demand, gay “marriage,” and a glut of other leftist social agendas - have also found favor among the very same Catholics who resist any effort to “reform the reform” of Holy Mass today.

Mein Popenfuhrer ist eine Wohlwollende Popenfuhrer

Michael Voris, STD
Senior Executive Producer
RealCatholicTV

Dear Mr. Vortis,

Like you, I'm worried about the American electorate. They're far too protestant, far too secular, and far too brown to cast meaningful votes. I mean, my gosh, they elected an Amish Moor in the last presidential election. Next, it'll be a Chinese Lutheran. You can bet on that.

Thank the Blessed Virgin, you have a plan to end this crisis. Here's how you explain it on your video:

The only way to prevent a democracy from committing suicide is to limit the vote to faithful Catholics. Only a true Catholic nation can survive, because only truly Catholic people will be the ones looking at God and not staring in the mirror. When they cast their votes, they cast them with an eye to what God desires, not fallen human nature...

The only way to run a country is by benevolent dictatorship, a Catholic monarch who protects the people from themselves and bestows on them what they need, not necessarily what they want, who protects their rights as human beings.

It was this political system that caused Europe to emerge from the morass of marauding barbarians and create western civilization. A noble Catholic monarch advances the common good while loving and caring for his people.

If you think about it, this is, exactly how the universe is governed, isn't it. Thy kingdom come; thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

I like your idea. Think how much greater our nation could be if Der Popenfuhrer ruled it with his well-manicured iron hand. At worst, we'd all get a pair of very stylish shoes to wear at our inquisitions. And if we're lucky, the inquisitor would put us in altar boy outfits before transubstantiating in our secret parts.

It doesn't get any better than that.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen JC Christian, patriot



More here.

No more altar boys

Most Reverend Joseph Kurtz, D.D.
Archbishop of Louisville

Your Eminence,

When I see a crisis, I think "opportunity," and that's just what I'm thinking now after reading about the arrest of Bethlehem Catholic High School principal Paul Schum. I know it doesn't look good at first reading. I mean how do you explain why one of your principals would dress up in a leather, fishnet stockings, and fake breasts and go out hooking.

But think about it for a minute. A few years ago, this kind of bad news would involve charges of child molestation. I think dressing up as a woman and soliciting johns is a real step up from that, don't you?

Now I know the Church is opposed to homosexuality, I am too. Like me, I'm sure that there are many priests who think about homosexuality every second of the day, and sometimes we get to thinking about certain homosexual acts and the next thing we know we're tapping our toes on the toilet trolling for some guy in a sailor suit. It happens because Satan tempts us more than he does the less pious. And we're going to see even more of it now that the Pope has a Platinum Prada credit card and keys to a secret apartment.

So I say lets get ahead of it by establishing our own narrative. All you need to do is repeat this simple message over and over again: "Sure the Church's hierarchy may be a bunch of self-hating hypocrites, but at least we've stopped doing altar boys."

This incident with the principal provides you with a great opportunity to begin doing it now. I hope you do. I'm enclosing one of the posters I've created for a new marketing campaign I'm pitching to the Pope. Please feel free to use it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Blessed Virgin enjoys delivering a few volts to the testicles

Last week, my assistant, Monsignor Spompinare, brought me a letter from a General JC Christian. It was truly one of the greatest moments of my papacy. I'm very excited by his offer to honor me in the manner of the warriors of ancient Sparta. Monsignor Spompinare is fluffing my mitre in anticipation even as I write these words.

The General also wrote about other things--things that trouble me as the Pope. He is kindly allowing me to address them in this letter.

First, there is this business with Fr. Gabino Olaso Zabala. The General tells me that some Americans object to his beatification on the grounds that he was a torturer. They call him that because he tortured other Filipino priests who were disloyal to the Spanish king. But that is where they are wrong. One cannot be a torturer unless one identifies oneself as a torturer. In other words, a regular person can commit thousands of acts of torture and still not be a torturer if he doesn't embrace the accompanying lifestyle (wearing dark shades and fascistic looking uniforms, reading Little Green Footballs and Michelle Malkin, etc.).

It's a lot like being a Nazi in that respect. A young, ultra-conservative future pope with terrific fashion sense could join the Hitler Youth, inform on his fellow seminarians, and be an anti-Semite (or more accurately, a person who hates Jews but isn't an anti-Semite) and still not be a Nazi as long as he only wore his Hitler Jungend uniform to meetings, book burnings, and pograms.

And that's the same answer I'll give for the other problem the General brought up in his letter: the Stenico scandal. For those of you aren't familiar with it, Monsignor Tommaso Stenico is a Vatican priest who is accused of being a homosexual. Monsignor Stenico denies it, saying that he was merely boning guys to identify "those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity."

I understand that. Back when I was prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (you might know it as the Inquisition), I was constantly conducting the same kind of investigation--five or six of them concurrently on a good night when the Navy was in town. And I still try to squeeze in a few each week now that I'm the Holy Father. Some of your Republican politicians, men like Larry Craig, Lindsey Graham, and David Dreier, conduct similar investigations. We are not homosexuals, because we don't think of ourselves as being such. And I'm sure it's true for Monsignor Stenico as well. But to be certain, I've placed him on suspension until I can thoroughly investigate his case myself.

Heterosexually yours in Christ

Benedict PP. XVI, Pont. Max., Episcopus Ecclesiae Catholicae

A tip of the old mitre to Pastor Dan.

The Pope ain't no Primate

Bill O'Reilly
The O'Reilly Factor

Dear Mr. O'Reilly,

Although I'm heartened to see a media personality finally attacking the Pope's legitimacy, I'm dissapointed that you didn't go far enough. Intelligent men like you and me understand that by attacking a Daily Kos commenter's statement that the "Pope is a primate" you are actually attacking the Pope, but what about the average Fox viewer? You know your audience. We're talking about same guys (and they are all guys) who believe Michael Moore hid Saddam's WsMD in the same mass grave in which Bill Klinton buried the 578 people he murdered in Mena, Arkansas.

They aren't going to understand that by denying that the Pope is a primate, you're actually questioning his legitimacy as the Bishop of Rome, one of the few positions in the Catholic hierarchy in which the incumbent is allowed to use that title. And as far as them getting your little implied joke about him not being a member of the order Primates, forget it. You blew that completely. Even had you gone on to say he was actually part of the order Carnivora, they'd never associate his meat-eating with his special relationship with Monsignor Georg Gänswein.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm taking you to task. That's not the case. As a Christian conservative, I'm thrilled that you're taking on the Whore of Babylon even if only obliquely. I pray that this is just the beginning.

Heterosexually yous,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Something Different: A lot of you have sent me this. Thanks, but frankly, I'm just too horrified to comment.

OfGeorge and Der Popenführer

What do they have in common?

The Brawl at St. Paul's

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Bishop Of Rome And Vicar Of Jesus Christ
Successor Of St. Peter, Prince Of The Apostles

Most Holy Father,

Recently, American evangelist Rick Warren traveled to Syria and spoke out against both the current war in Iraq and the inevitable war with Syria. He's also made the need for an ecumenical reformation a central feature in his sermons and declared that Christians should be concerned about the environment.

While Warren was gallivanting around the globe preaching peace, your old friend, Giacomo Cardinal Biffi, was telling the world via Vatican Radio that "the Antichrist presents himself as pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist." Think about that for a minute. While Warren was adding the descriptor "pacifist" to "ecologist" and "ecumenist" in his vita, Cardinal Biffi was warning us that these same characteristics describe the Antichrist.

Coincidence. I don't think so. Surely, God touched (appropriately) Cardinal Biffi and prompted him to give us this warning just when we needed it.

So what do we do about it? Well, I think this provides the Church with a tremendous opportunity. You know better than I that there's been a big fall-off in priest and nun recruiting over the last couple of decades. Megachurches like Warren's Saddleback Church, on the other hand, have shown tremendous growth. Where there were virtually none twenty years ago, they are now as ubiquitous as poppers at CPAC. The secret to their success is they've learned to be hip. They pack the parishioners in by offering contemporary music and light shows.

You can do the same thing. I'm thinking along the lines of an extreme fighting cage match between you and Warren--the Pope vs the Antichrist. Sure, he's a lot younger than you, but don't you have one of those pope scepter things you can use as a mace? And I'm sure Prada could add a little kevlar to your pope hat. That should even things up nicely.

What do you think about pay per view? I bet you'd pick up a hefty tithe, but you could also go the free route with Vatican Television; companies would kill for the opportunity to advertise. You might even get Anheuser-Busch and Miller Brewing into a bidding war to become the Official Brew of the Brawl at St. Paul's.

I haven't pitched this to Warren yet. I figure he can't say no. Fighting popes is what Antichrists do, isn't it? I'll wait for your response before I contact him.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update on the War against Womenwhosayfuckuslamunistofascism

Wolf Blitzer
CNN's Situation Room

Dear Mr. Blitzer,

Please forgive me if I ramble a bit in this note. I'm a little nervous. I mean it isn't everyday that a guy like me has an opportunity to write the man with the manliest name on television.

"Wolf Blitzer," the name cojures up an image of a muscular, stern-looking man-beast decked out in liederhosen and a pickelhaube and fondling a riding crop in his wicked hand talons as he sizes you up with his eager steely eyes.

Uh, I'd better leave it at that.

Anyway, I wanted to congratulate you for having the courage to tackle the pressing national problem of candidates who hire bloggers who use the word "fuck" and criticize the Pope. It's a tough story to do. After all, while cussing and Pope criticizing are considered to be criminal acts when performed by Amanda Marcotte or Shakesphere's Sister, they're considered to be dignified acts of statesmenship when Vice President Cheney speaks at Bob Jones University.

I also think it was very brave of you to have William Donahue on to attack the bloggers. Given his history, you never know how he's going to act around Jews. I'm sure you asked yourself, "Is this the day he yells 'Juden' and stabs me for promoting anal sex?" Yet, you still had him on talk about civility. That took guts.

So now, I bet you're wondering how you can get another day out of this important story. I think I can help you out there. Heck, the information I have could provide CNN with a full week of programming. You see, I know for a fact that Amanda often wears adult diapers so she can write the word "fuck" and complain about the Pope for hours at a time without stopping--kind of like that astonaunt, Lisa Nowak, but without the mace or the bb gun.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I guess it explains the way he dresses

A closet can't hide a thumb penis. Maybe he should put a tiny Pope hat on it.



Helmet tip to Lafayette.

Leaks from the conclave

The General caught some kind of bug. Maybe God is punishing me for the thoughts I had when I visited the XXXChurch.

I'll post something more substantial tomorrow after I've had little rest.

Until then, here's something reader Chris Cardinal Moorehead snuck out of the conclave. I'm sure it helped the Lord make up his mind.

The General is infallible (and heterosexual)

Two weeks ago, I sort of predicted that the Panzer Kardinal would become Pope Panzerfaust I. I am now convinced that, like His Holiness and Our Leader, I am infallible.



Thanks to commenter SJS for "Pope Panzerfaust I"

The official Ratzinger photo

I see that Cardinal Ratzinger is in the news again. I think the picture I used in a post a couple of weeks ago should become his official blog photo.

Good luck mein Panzer Kardinal.