Battling the homomojo of the manly bulge

Dr. Albert Mohler, President
The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary

Dear President Mohler,

Your attempt to create a biblical justification for "curing" homosexuality in the blastocyst-American community is reprehensible. By doing so, you've taken a very promising technology, the manipulation of genetic material in utero to ensure that tomorrow's generations conform to the dictates of authority, and turned it into something very, very ugly: an admission that homosexuality is genetic in nature.

You must retract your article immediately. Otherwise, we will no longer have an excuse to deny homosexuals the same rights we grant everyone else. It will mean the end to legal discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace and before the law. We will no longer be able to stop the spread of so-called "hate laws," which prevent us from witnessing for Jesus Christ with the Steel-Toed boots of Redemption.

Worst of all, focusing on a genetic cause will drain resources away from the real cause of homosexuality, the homomojo of the manly bulge, just at the moment when we finally have concrete proof of the terrible damage these bulges do to America's moral fabric.

I'm referring to the recent study by the Annenberg Center for Communication at USC that found that men are constantly checking out each other's packages. Here's an analysis the Center did of a picture of George Brett:



A man simply can't avoid a bulge like that. His eyes are immediately drawn to it. Then, he begins to think about sucking on a pepperoni stick, or worse yet, a polish dog. After that, it's only a matter of time until he wakes up, sticky and hurting, on the floor of one of those bars where everyone dresses like a biker but no one actually owns a bike. You know it. I know it. We've been there.

So instead of working up a biblical justification for in utero gene therapy, you should be looking for one that allows for bulge reduction surgery. That's the only way to end homosexuality. It's also a great way to stimulate the economy by increasing consumer demand for guns, SUVs, and products advertised on the tv show, 24.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Dr. Mohler takes on willful barrenness.

Helmet tips to readers John Lucid and Peter.