Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's Other Confessions

By now, you've all heard that after years of harmless fraternity hazing and gourmet meals at Guantanamo, Bagram, and the most discerning Soviet-built interrogation centers in Poland, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed finally cracked and admitted to virtually every terrorist act Dick Cheney could think of. Human rights observers say he was tortured, but they're a bunch of god-damned American-hating liars. He was treated very well. Heck, the CIA even abducted his seven and nine year old sons to assure him of their safety.

In any event, his interrogation was successful. The news that he's confessed to beheading Daniel Pearl and planning 911 and other terrorist operations has been all over the news. But strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, the mediaslamunistofascists are not telling us the other acts of terror he's confessed to committing. That's why I'm listing them here:

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's Other Crimes:

• New Coke
• Formidable law blogger Ann Althouse
• Not sending enough troops in the initial Iraq invasion.
• Faking the deaths of Tupa, Elvis, and Jim Morrison, converting them to Islam, and hiding them out in a cave in Peshawar.
• Selling Vogon Star Cruisers to Hugo Chavez.
• The neglect of our wounded soldiers.
• Introducing Bill O'Reilly to the magical properties of loofahs and falafels.
• Telling Scooter Libby about Valerie Plame
• Paris Hilton
• Gonzales Prosecutor Scandal
• France
• Olestra's anal leakage side effect.