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Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Brawl at St. Paul's

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Bishop Of Rome And Vicar Of Jesus Christ
Successor Of St. Peter, Prince Of The Apostles

Most Holy Father,

Recently, American evangelist Rick Warren traveled to Syria and spoke out against both the current war in Iraq and the inevitable war with Syria. He's also made the need for an ecumenical reformation a central feature in his sermons and declared that Christians should be concerned about the environment.

While Warren was gallivanting around the globe preaching peace, your old friend, Giacomo Cardinal Biffi, was telling the world via Vatican Radio that "the Antichrist presents himself as pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist." Think about that for a minute. While Warren was adding the descriptor "pacifist" to "ecologist" and "ecumenist" in his vita, Cardinal Biffi was warning us that these same characteristics describe the Antichrist.

Coincidence. I don't think so. Surely, God touched (appropriately) Cardinal Biffi and prompted him to give us this warning just when we needed it.

So what do we do about it? Well, I think this provides the Church with a tremendous opportunity. You know better than I that there's been a big fall-off in priest and nun recruiting over the last couple of decades. Megachurches like Warren's Saddleback Church, on the other hand, have shown tremendous growth. Where there were virtually none twenty years ago, they are now as ubiquitous as poppers at CPAC. The secret to their success is they've learned to be hip. They pack the parishioners in by offering contemporary music and light shows.

You can do the same thing. I'm thinking along the lines of an extreme fighting cage match between you and Warren--the Pope vs the Antichrist. Sure, he's a lot younger than you, but don't you have one of those pope scepter things you can use as a mace? And I'm sure Prada could add a little kevlar to your pope hat. That should even things up nicely.

What do you think about pay per view? I bet you'd pick up a hefty tithe, but you could also go the free route with Vatican Television; companies would kill for the opportunity to advertise. You might even get Anheuser-Busch and Miller Brewing into a bidding war to become the Official Brew of the Brawl at St. Paul's.

I haven't pitched this to Warren yet. I figure he can't say no. Fighting popes is what Antichrists do, isn't it? I'll wait for your response before I contact him.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.