Trojan Nation

Pete Carroll
Head Football Coach
University of Southern California

Dear Coach Carroll,

I'm very concerned about the Trojan Football brand. Potentially, the "White Nation" incident could cost the program hundreds of millions of dollars. You'd be wise to hire a professional crisis manager to get you through this mess.

Don't get me wrong, I think you've handled it pretty well so far considering what you had to work with. It can't be easy to downplay the fact that white team members posted white supremacist graphics on their Facebook group site, but you found a way to do it by framing it as the kind of joke players are warned against posting on the internets tubes.

Now it's time for you to hire a real crisis manager to build on what you've accomplished. I'll warn you. Finding one who understands your needs won't be easy. Most of them will tell you that you need to show the world that you recognize the seriousness of the team's racial problems by dropping the players from your team and suspending them from USC. They just don't understand what that would do to your defensive backfield.

You need a crisis manager who will push the "joke" spin for all it's worth, someone who will book you to do TV interviews in black face, promote the team by marketing the guilty white players as "The Four Klansmen of the Apocalypse," and hire a choreographer to teach the Trojan Marching Band to march in the shape of a fiery cross during halftime.

Hey, George Allen needs a job. He'd be perfect. Please give him a call.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Actual graphics posted on Trojan Football "White Nation" Facebook group site: