Randall Tobias: An Owner in Trouble

Bill Sali
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sali,

With our beloved Republican party on the verge of complete collapse, it's good to see that there are still a few Congressmen out there standing up for our most cherished conservative values, men like you who aren't afraid to be one of only seven to oppose helping torture victims, one of twenty who is willing to defund science, and one of a very few who supports enhancing our oceans with chemicals and our leisure time with cockfighting and dogfighting.

Now it's time for true conservative warriors like yourself to step up even more to defend our most cherished values. We need you to come to the defense of one of our party's most most faithful servants, Randall Tobias, the Deputy Secretary of State responsible for denying condoms to nations seeking help in fighting AIDS. I'm sure you've heard by now that he resigned after it was learned that he was paying ladies to put his little ambassador in their mouths and woohie places.

Please forgive me. It appears that I've already bought into the libislamunistofascist spin on this. They were very quick in establishing their frame. That's why it's so important for you to lead a counteroffensive employing our own frames, turning this from a scandal into a celebration of our basic values.

I've put together the following talking points to help you:

Tobias was attempting to prove that condoms are ineffective in battling AIDS and other STDs. Here we have a man who cares so much about the fight against AIDS, he risked his life every time he put on his johnnie hat and banged a prostitute in the hope that he could use his own infection to prove that condoms don't work. Unfortunately, his research was ended by the liberal media too early and he wasn't able to complete the thousands of attempts he needed to prove our theory.

Tobias was simply exercising his rights as an American by pursuing a lifestyle based on the precepts of National Greatness Conservatism. Randy switched to employing Central American prostitutes to exert America's right to take what is rightfully ours. Whether it be oil, minerals, water, or nookie, God wants America, the most righteous of nations, to own it.

Tobias was exercising his rights as an owner in Our Leader's ownership society. Central American women don't sneak into the US to become sex workers. They sign up for jobs as waitresses, seamstresses, etc and are beaten into lives of prostitution by smugglers and members of organized criminal cartels. They are slaves. Tobias, as a high ranking State Department official certainly knew what he was buying when he paid these women's owners. He knew he was supporting the most extreme kind of exploitation of young women and girls, but obviously, he felt it was his right as one of Our Leader's valued owners.

I hope you can use these talking points in your defense of Tobias and our most cherished values. It might also be good to quote Our Leader's words about Randy when you speak of him. With luck, "Thank you, Randy. Good job." could become just as ringing of an endorsement as "Heck of a job, Brownie."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot