Randall Tobias: An Owner in Trouble

Bill Sali
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sali,

With our beloved Republican party on the verge of complete collapse, it's good to see that there are still a few Congressmen out there standing up for our most cherished conservative values, men like you who aren't afraid to be one of only seven to oppose helping torture victims, one of twenty who is willing to defund science, and one of a very few who supports enhancing our oceans with chemicals and our leisure time with cockfighting and dogfighting.

Now it's time for true conservative warriors like yourself to step up even more to defend our most cherished values. We need you to come to the defense of one of our party's most most faithful servants, Randall Tobias, the Deputy Secretary of State responsible for denying condoms to nations seeking help in fighting AIDS. I'm sure you've heard by now that he resigned after it was learned that he was paying ladies to put his little ambassador in their mouths and woohie places.

Please forgive me. It appears that I've already bought into the libislamunistofascist spin on this. They were very quick in establishing their frame. That's why it's so important for you to lead a counteroffensive employing our own frames, turning this from a scandal into a celebration of our basic values.

I've put together the following talking points to help you:

Tobias was attempting to prove that condoms are ineffective in battling AIDS and other STDs. Here we have a man who cares so much about the fight against AIDS, he risked his life every time he put on his johnnie hat and banged a prostitute in the hope that he could use his own infection to prove that condoms don't work. Unfortunately, his research was ended by the liberal media too early and he wasn't able to complete the thousands of attempts he needed to prove our theory.

Tobias was simply exercising his rights as an American by pursuing a lifestyle based on the precepts of National Greatness Conservatism. Randy switched to employing Central American prostitutes to exert America's right to take what is rightfully ours. Whether it be oil, minerals, water, or nookie, God wants America, the most righteous of nations, to own it.

Tobias was exercising his rights as an owner in Our Leader's ownership society. Central American women don't sneak into the US to become sex workers. They sign up for jobs as waitresses, seamstresses, etc and are beaten into lives of prostitution by smugglers and members of organized criminal cartels. They are slaves. Tobias, as a high ranking State Department official certainly knew what he was buying when he paid these women's owners. He knew he was supporting the most extreme kind of exploitation of young women and girls, but obviously, he felt it was his right as one of Our Leader's valued owners.

I hope you can use these talking points in your defense of Tobias and our most cherished values. It might also be good to quote Our Leader's words about Randy when you speak of him. With luck, "Thank you, Randy. Good job." could become just as ringing of an endorsement as "Heck of a job, Brownie."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Take my wife...please

Rep. John T. Doolittle
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Doolittle,

Chestlessness. It's a quality of which we see way too much in America these days. Sure, there are still courageous men like John Derbyshire, Nathaniel Blake, Mark Steyn, and that guy in my history class who declared that the holocaust could have been avoided if Jews had taken the time to learn karate; men who aren't afraid to constantly remind us of their courage as they hunker behind their keyboards, but unfortunately, they are rare beings.

Today, I learned of one more. That man is you. I can't tell you how impressed I was with your response to the news that the FBI had raided your home as part of a bribery and corruption investigation. Most men would have hid from the press, but not you. Instead, you threw your wife under the bus and instructed your staff to do the same. That took real courage.

I hope Mrs Doolittle realizes just how lucky she is.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: pastordan introduces us to another chestless wanker.

AIPAC opens another front in its ongoing war against Jews

Howard Friedman
President, American Israel Political Affairs Committee (AIPAC)

Dear President Friedman,

The biggest complaint many of us more traditionally-minded Christian-Americans have against AIPAC is that it, like the media, banking, and matzoh industries, is controlled by the Jews. That's why I was so relieved when I learned that you've invited Pastor John Hagee to speak at your conference.

He's about as an accomplished an anti-Semite as you can find anywhere. Heck, he rivals David Duke on the Gibsonian scale of absolute Jew hating, but thankfully, like AIPAC, he's able to separate his anti-Semitism from his blind support for Israel. I mean here's a guy who blames Jews for both the Holocaust and the crucifixion of Our Lord and Savior; preaches that Jews are going to Hell, and prays for the day when the Middle East is cleansed of all non-Christians by nuclear fire.

So, how did you meet Mr. Hagee? Did he call to congratulate AIPAC for feeding anti-Semitic conspiracy theories by engaging in espionage against the United States on the behalf of Israel? No doubt that single incident sold more copies of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion than David Duke sold in all the years he's been hawking it. Or did something else bring you together?

Well, no matter how you met, you're together now. That's exciting. You're a perfect match.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot