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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Christian Reconstructionism with a Kung Fu Grip

Chuck Norris
Kung Fu Christian

Dear Mr. Norris,

A grateful nation thanks you for your efforts to take this country back from the Godless Jews, Mormons, Hindus, Catholics, atheists, etc. I hope you continue to work hard to bring about the kind of government that isn't afraid to subjugate the wicked, the idolatrous, and the unchurched in the name of the Lord. Certainly, your recent essay in World Net Daily gets us a little closer to that great day of judgement. I salute you for that.

I am a little worried, however, that you didn't make a stronger argument in favor of a religious test being applied to those seeking office or employment by the government. While the letter from John Jay to Jedidiah Morse you cite makes a compelling case for requiring government officials to be Christian, I don't think it carries quite as much weight as Article VI, Section III of the Constitution which states in part: "...but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."

I'm afraid you're going to have to do a lot better than a letter to overcome a Constitutional clause. I know that's not easy for you. Logic and reasoned argument aren't your strong suits. You kick stuntmen's asses and you do it very well. Perhaps you should go with what you know--use your strengths to establish God's kingdom here in America.

That's why I'm asking you to go to St. Philip's Episcopal Church in Charleston, find the grave of the author of that vile clause, Charles Pinckney, dig up his body, and kick it's ass. But you have to do it right and kick his ass good, like how Bruce Lee kicked your ass in Return of the Dragon in '72. Only then, will you discredit him.

Surely, Pinckney's corpse's ass kicking will convince such great American thinkers as John Derbyshire, Mark Steyn, and John Hindenraker, to rally for the cause. They love to see others fight and die for their principles, especially if it appears to be a very manly kind of fight with lots of chest hair, muscles, and sweat. We need them. That's why you have to kick Pinkney's corpse's bony ass.

After that, you'll need to go after the guys who gave him the idea, the drafters of the Virginia's Statute for Religious Freedom, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, and whoop their corpses' asses too.

I hope you'll follow through with this, and if you do, please takes lots of photos. They'd be a great addition to part two of your World Net Daily essay.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

9 comments:

  1. Fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

    I just wrote this really clever thing about how us Catholics aren't considered phony Christians any more and how I'd teach you all the super-secret Vatican handshake an' all ... and fucking Haloscan fucking ate the whole fucking thing.

    Fuck.

    There goes my daily allowance of witticism, down the fucking Haloscan drain.

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  2. David, if you get the white screen after trying to post, right click on the white screen and select back. If your browser is nice to you it might still retain the previous form values (could depend on browser, and settings). Works for me in Firefox 2.

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  3. thingwarbler12:12 PM

    Heh, now the General will realize that he mocks the Chuck at his peril. Nobody takes Chuck's name in vain -- the last time someone wrote something bad about Chuck Norris he lashed out in anger and realized a tsunami across much of Southern Asia. This time, he only shut down haloscan. Feel very, very lucky indeed...

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  4. Anonymous5:07 PM

    David:

    Like you I was once a "victim" of Hell-O-Scum. But those days are over. I now simply hit Control+C to copy everything I put into the comment and then hit "publish". About one time in five my comment gets losted but when I go back and re-paste the comment it goes through. Of course when I put a comment on the "screw halocscan" section I can't get it to let me post it unless I do so anonymously.

    Democommie

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  5. http://anntichristscoulter.blogspot.com/2007/05/happy-happy-joy-joy-happy-happy-joy-joy.html

    Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joyyyyyyy!!!!!!

    Overdosing on schadenfreude, Sir.

    Might need a tranq dart in the ass at some point, but please make sure that whomever fires it is an expert markswoman or marksman, 'cause I don't need any more fuckups in the broken-screw faulty-fusion spine, y'know?

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  6. bruce, even as corpse, does it again:
    http://zuma.vip.warped.com/bleep333.gif
    http://zuma.vip.warped.com/bleep335.gif

    (i strongly advocate bruce's books.)

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  7. Go to www.choosejesusrightnow.com & click on BUMPER STICKERS.

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  8. -_-

    Can I sleep until this hundred-year-wave of fundamentalism I suspect we're only partway through is over?

    Didn't think so.

    In that case, here's my fantasy law: if you claim to be a member of a faith and a citizen of a country, then you must be able to pass an essay test which has one question: "what is the difference between my faith and my country, and what happens to both of them when I attempt to merge them?"

    A grade of B would get you a complementary web course on the separation of Church and State.

    A grade of C would get you 40 hours of community service in a faith-based charity based on a religion wildly divergent from your own.

    A grade of D would get you a semester of instruction in logic, physics, and history.

    A grade of F, and we give up - you get to go with these guys (or the appropriate equivalent), as long as you pay for someone else to get out.

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  9. Anonymous1:51 PM

    David, whenever you hav wonderful clever comment, you may want to first type them onto Notepad and then copy them into the comment area so if it screws up you'll still have it on Notepad to copy on again. I wish your comment had come through - sounds like it was a terrific one!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.