Chairman, College Republican National Committee
Dear Chairman Gourley,
When you needed someone with clout to stand up and tell the voting delegates at the College Republican National Convention that the ability to con elderly ladies out of their social security checks is the single most valuable skill a College Republican Chairman should posses, Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-Closet) answered your call. Indeed, without his bullying and hardball tactics, it is unlikely that you'd be sitting in the chairman's throne. You owe him, and it's time to pay up.
As you may have heard, Rep. McHenry's "Serving the Member" program for promising, handsome, hard-bodied, young college boys is under attack. Many wonder why so many young men call Rep. McHenry's house their home come election day (they're even charging one of them with election fraud). Others think there is something a little fishy about a law student undergoing a seven hour commute so that he might sleep under the same roof as Rep. McHenry. I'm not sure if you ever participated in his Serve the Member program, but certainly you've heard about it. I'm hoping you could speak out in your official capacity and vouch for Rep. McHenry and the program. I'm not talking about a full fledged communications effort, just a speech or an interview where you address the innocent nature of the Congressman's intimate living arrangements with these strapping young lads.
The seven-hour commute thing in particular is something I think you could help him explain. I can think of lots of reasons why a young man would travel three and a half hours to sleepover at another man's house before turning around for another 3.5 hour drive and another day of law studies. Obviously, they must be providing a needed service too each other, perhaps filling each other full of the kind of warm, raw sticky comradeship that's not openly given on the Hill outside a few stolen moments in the House Cloakroom.
I hope you'll consider helping the Congressman. Like I said, you owe him.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
