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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I've got Ace's back

Ace Of Spades
Pajamas Media

Dear Mr. Spades,

I see Greenwald is doing it to you again, and frankly, I'm disgusted by it. I mean, here we have a guy who refuses to answer his nations call to take up his keyboard and go to war against the Worldwide Islamunistofascist Conspiracy and its servants in the media and the Demislamunistofascistsatanic Party, and chooses, instead, to fact check you and Chuck Johnson, two of America's greatest keyboard heroes.

I know he thinks he's exposed you as some frightened, hate-crazed supremacist with delusions of martial grandeur, and maybe you are, but who's to say that isn't a good thing. It certainly works for Dick Cheney.

Yes, things look bleak right now. Certainly, to most observers, the fact that the State Department authenticated a document you claimed was forged does tend to make you look like an idiot.

Fortunately we know better. Fuck Greenwald and those of his ilk who are stabbing America in the back with cold hard facts. We have a war to win. We don't have time for facts or reality. They are merely crutches for the weak. We will build our own reality; a reality where going to war with Iraq was a smart move; a reality where all men are strong and ruggedly handsome and, by God, a reality in which all women are eager to sleep with us even if we live in our mother's basement eating Cheetos and compulsively masturbating to reruns of 24.

And you're creating that reality now, by claiming that you were right about the document even though you were wrong about it. Indeed, your response to Greenwald is breathtaking. It's a response so Gonzalean in it's sheer audaciousness, it deserves the be republished here:

For one thing, among the possibilities I mentioned was that there was in fact a real memo, but the "memo" being circulated was not the actual memo itself, but a Microsoft Word created facsimile.

My God--it's absolutely beautiful the way you turn things around by claiming that the document is an accurate forgery of itself.

Have you considered seeking a position in the White House or with Fox News.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: I'm very happy to report that the professor has joined us in the comments:

General, Sir:

Ignorant as I am of all military matters, I must ask you what branch of the service encourages its members to engage in round the clock masturbation to episodes of "24."

This is an army I would like to join.

Yours in wankery,

Glenn Reynolds
Professor of Law
University of Tennessee


  1. You are a genius; just a minor error ...

    "... compulsive masturbating to reruns of 24." should be "... compulsively masturbate to reruns of 24."

  2. Redwretch1:34 PM

    One of your best ever, SIR!

    Zoe is my favorite 'target' when I'm watching fake terrorists get what they fake deserve on the most real show on TV.

    And "Gonzalean", not that I want to agree with an obviously eastern-european-hispanic-limón harlot, you understand, is certainly a classico. Kind of like the Hercules of liars. How fitting that Ace is now tarred with the stink of one of his own.

  3. Anonymous4:12 PM

    Last year I saw a pillow with Homer Simpson telling Bart. "Facts are meaningless. You can use them to prove ANYTHING!"

    As has been said before, truth has a liberal bias.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.