Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Swiftboating Fred

Mike Stone
Proud Christian Father

Dear Mr. Stone,

I know things don't look good now. People just don't like the idea of hunting domestic pigs on a "game farm." They like it even less when they learn that it was an elderly pig named Fred (Ziffel?) who loved the canned yams the owners' grandchildren hand-fed to him. And I don't think I even have to mention how people will react when they hear about Fred's lifelong friendship with the family's chihuahua. It just doesn't seem that sporting to shoot a family pet five times with a .50 caliber revolver.

It gets even worse with the news that the pig isn't as monsterous as he would appear in the uber-flattering photographic illusions you're peddling for $500 a pop a your website. Things aren't looking good for you.

That's not to say all hope is lost. I think we can still turn this thing around if we apply a few of the techniques the GOP has used so effectively over the last few years. Heck, you've already started it by hiding behind your Christianity. Now it's time to take the next step and claim that homosexuals and secular humanists are trying to destroy you because you love Jesus. You'll need to do that right away.

You also need to destroy Fred the Elderly Pet Pig's reputation. That shouldn't be too hard to do. You just need to start questioning what the relationship with the little doggy was really about. Was it a pre-marital inter-species kind of relationship? Is Fred really a guy pig? What about the chihuahua: dog or bitch? Heck, you could even go on to describe some of the deviant practices you "believe" they participated in--things like "stuffing the sausage," and "slathering the dog with mustard."

Just apply some of the same creativity you used to sell those $500 posters, and you'll have people cheering you for clipping that old feeble bastard.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. poicephalus10:38 PM

    not to be too durned chicken-shit about the whole thing, but Arnold was the porcine member of the Ziffel clan. All I can think of, is how it must have sucked to be named Ziffel in the mid-60's.
    Fiel und dank mein General.

  2. Anonymous11:05 PM


    That name conjures up a really nasty image in my brainpan.

    I almost never get to correct anybody's spelling (especially my own) but I think it's "Vielen danke", if what you meant is "Many Thanks". If, however, you were making some reference to the General's throbbulating manliness well, then, yeah, sure.



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.