Hulk Horny Smash House Remodel

Sen. Ted Stevens
United States Senate

Dear Sen Stevens,

I know you're very busy right now fighting against ethics reform and preparing for your pending corruption indictment, but I really think you ought to take a few moments to consider the possible ramifications of the FBI raid on your home. I'm particularly concerned with what was on the hard drives of the computers the G-men seized.

You know it's only a matter of time until the content of those files appear in indictment papers. Our failure to completely purge the Justice Department of those whose loyalties lie with the rule of law rather than the Party pretty much guarantees an that'll happen unless we can replace the current US Attorney with mezzo-soprano Bradley J. Schlozman.

That's why it's so important to get ahead of the release of this information and inoculate yourself against it. I'd go for the family values angle. Begin by holding a press conference about how you needed to have your house remodeled by a lobbyist to make it easier for you to infiltrate the comic book character porn industry. Then make the fairly reasonable argument that given his inarticulate nature, it would be very difficult for your Incredible Hulk character to seduce the likes of Wonder Woman, Aunt Harriet, Aqua-Man, or Thundercat if you didn't have a swingin' bachelor pad where you could entertain them. I mean the Little Hulk, no matter how incredible it might be, only gets you so far with someone who's been intimate with The Thing.

And speaking of the Little Hulk, it might provide you with an in with Bill O'Reilly at Fox, particularly if it's a detachable prop rather than simply your little senator painted green.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Restroom victim Larry Craig weighs in.

A helmet tip to reader Rabit.