Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Making Tiny Normal

Sen. Mitch McConnell
Minority Leader
United States Senate

Dear Minority Leader McConnell,

I just finished reading coverage of Wendy Cortez's press conference about her relationship with Senator Vitter. I have a suggestion about how you can use her revelations to better justify your retention of Vitter even after you attempted to force Larry Craig to retire for what some consider to be a similar problem.

What we need to do is make Sen. Vitter a more sympathetic character, or even better yet, a victim who fights back by authoring legislation that will prevent others from being victimized in the same manner--kind of like a Megan's law for insecure harlot hounds. Heck we could even brand it as "David's Law" to get the most marketing mileage out of it.

I see Sen. Vitter as a victim of the femislmunistofascist plot to destroy men's self confidence by promoting "The Great Size Lie," the belief that "normal" is much larger than the 2.5 inches with which the good Lord blessed most of us.

Two statements made by Cortez led me to this conclusion. The fist was her revelation that Sen. Vitter refused to use scented soap during the showers he took immediately before and after being powered, diapered, and otherwise harloted. According to her, he was seriously concerned that the use of scented soap ,ight cause people to question his manliness.

I think we both understand why he wouldn't want to use a girly soap, but why rule out a manly soap that comes in a manly black box like Irish Spring, or even worse, a scented hunting soap that makes a man smell like animal piss. There's nothing more manly than that, and it sure as hell gets the attention of the ladies. All it takes is a single whiff and they're stumbling backwards in a desperate effort to preserve their chastity. At least, that's my experience. Sen. Vitter must have had tremendous self confidence issues to rule out all scented soaps.

And who could blame him? After all, Cortez also said that his "little senator" was actually a "very tiny senator." I think we both know what it feels like to hear that. I can't count the times a woman, brainwashed by the tales humongous members in femislamunistofascist organs like Cosmopolitan, pointed at my normal sized Private Johnson and broke into unstoppable laughter. It can be very humiliating.

That brings us to David's law, a bill sponsored by Sen. Vitter, that would set standards for what is considered to be "big" and what is considered to be "normal" (the breaking point being 2.5 inches). I see the hearing as being a huge media event that'll destroy the "The Great Size Lie" once and for all.

Picture it. We get Cortez to testify that Sen. Vitter is very small. Then we have the senator whip it out, perhaps even displaying it resting in the palm of your hand to provide scale (I understand you are experienced in the proper display of another man's member). Can you think of a more dramatic visual than that? I certainly can't.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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