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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

One From the Vault

President Bush Relieved Others See His Hallucination Too

(Jivester News, Lmtd.) An excited and enthusiastic President Bush appealed to Americans to give him more of the tokens he needs to win the war in Iraq. "I'm close, I'm really, really close," said the President while he wolfed down a piece of Chuck E. Cheese's pizza, then made a beeline for the restroom.

Reappearing minutes later, the President continued his appeal:

"I was stuck on level two forever--well, it seemed like forever. They tried to kick me out, saying they were closing down, but my boys, they straightened it out. They were like 'Hey, we got to close up' and I was like, 'Bring 'em on' and my boys, well, they don't cut and run, understand?" He continued, "Listen, I'd love to stand here and talk with you all day--not!--but I got me a couple of itchy trigger fingers. You tell America--the good America, not that other America--you tell them to get me some tokens, and pronto. Pronto-pronto."

With time for one question, a reporter asked Bush if "Given that you've had over three years to figure this game out, and that you're still stuck at level two, and you have some cheese on your chin--there, no, not there, there--why should America keep giving you tokens? You keep blowing things up and killing, but you always run back to the Green Zone and try to hoard your points. And every time you blow your wad and lose without getting past Level Two. And then it's 'more tokens, more tokens.'"

The President furrowed his brow and said, "Just give me the damn tokens. I have asked Congress for more tokens, and they have consistently found the will to get me the tokens that I need to win this thing. I have also asked the American public to just trust me on this. I don't have to talk to the American public about this, you know. I do this as a courtesy. 'Cuz I'm a nice guy."

Then the President turned and walked, nay strutted like a Jay Cock back to the video game, with only a trail of toilet paper stuck to his right shoe betraying the honor and dignity of his office, and his rightful place in history. In all fairness, the paper shield from the toilet was stuck on his pants, too. And he smelled funny. And his eyes were all googly.

Scott McClellan, who was visiting Chuck E. Cheese's with a gay hooker, told the busboy "Anyone who opposes giving the President more tokens is a doody-head who hates Jesus." The busboy appeared to understand very little english, but did smile at McClellan, so that counts for something.


Image from here.


Originally published in Aramaic on a Crusty Sea Scroll in Olden Days (in Internet years, anyway), when Dinosaurs ate pizza with Abraham...


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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.