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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Clean Cut Candidate

Mike Huckabee
Huckabee for President, Inc.
P.O. Box 2008
Little Rock, Arkansas 72203

Dear Mike,

I had a household full of out-of-town relatives stop by today. After some hugs and family gossip, we all gravitated to the ol’ Zenith System-3 for some quality time. Suddenly…there you were. We normally don’t stop on MSNBC, but somehow we found you, and eagerly listened to the interview.

That's when you made some obscure comment about your Republican brethren:

If I were some of these guys, I'd have to be sitting in a warm tub of water with razor blades.
We all sat in silence for a few moments pondering possible meanings of your statement.

Finally, my 14-year old nephew shrugged, “he seems too old to be Emo.”

(I swear, I begged my sister to pull that kid out of public school and get him some home schooling, but did she listen to me?)

Uncle Jake asked gingerly, “Is…is he joking about...about suicide?”

“Ohhh…now, don’t say that kind of stuff—that ain’t right. You know he’s a good God-fearin’ man of the cloth,” barked grandpa.

“Maybe it’s his secret to losing all that weight,” grandma gently offered.

Aunt Rebecca, suddenly volunteered, “It’s the tub…I get it! Rev. Huckabee is taking a stance against paedobaptism. You know that’s nothing but a scriptural corruption by some supposed 'Christians' who have symbolically adopted the Jewish custom of infant circumcision, and substituted in baptism," she said in one breath. "The razor blade is some kind of statement against paedocircumcision!”

I didn’t really understand all that, so I suggested that the bathtub-razor imagery was simply a metaphor for a “clean cut” candidate.

“Nonsense,” replied Rebecca, and she spent the rest of the day making all the men mighty uncomfortable talking about her theory that you were promoting some simultaneous act of adult baptism with circumcision.

Frankly, Mike, this whole episode has left me confused and disappointed. It leaves me to wonder if you are really cut-out for the job.

Yours verily,

Hominid Views

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