I Love Larry Craig (And So Can You!)*

“You say our feet bumped, I believe they did…”

Larry Craig (Republican Senator, Idaho)

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Dear Larry Craig,

I heard the recording of you talking to that undercover police officer and was so moved I wrote some lyrics which I believe speak, in some small way, to the magic and mystery of bathroom love. Thank you for going where so many have gone before but for different reasons.

I would also like to thank you for not being gay, because if you had public bathroom sex with another man and you were gay while you were having the said public bathroom sex your conservative non-public-bathroom-sexing and anti-gay-anything constituents would not be very understanding. Sex between men who aren’t gay is perfectly acceptable, but I’m not sure what that would be called. “Hetero-male-on-male-fucking” is clunky, and “Check Your Fluids Right Here and Now” is more of an ad than a proper description of collegial orgasmic activity. I think “I Am Not Gay” is the New Gay, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Love,

mjs

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You Say Our Feet Bumped
(A Republican Love Song)

Hey, there, I cannot see you
But I imagine you are fine
Anonymous, like a donor
Another loner just killing time
Another loner just killing time

What’s up, Mr. Mystery
Would you like to come and play?
Are you nasty, are you naughty?
With a body that ain’t gay
With a body that ain’t gay, it’s okay

I heard you say our feet bumped
Indeed, I believe they did
I would love to bump again
It’s a sin that should be hid
A sin of love that should be hid

(chorus)
Suppress and deny me
Demean and decry me
Shove me down
Upon the ground
And have your way with me
Suppress your desire
Fight it off, let it expire
The body’s bad
And we are sad
We will burn in the great fire
Everlasting fire

A professional has little time
Always on the go
Little time left for loving
Only shoving on tiles cold
Shoving on tiles so very cold

The mind is like fine china
Smooth, a wonder to behold
When under stress it fractures
Just relax sir, come and go
Relax sir, it’s good to come and go

I heard you say our feet bumped
Indeed, I believe they did
I would love to bump again
It’s a sin that should be hid
A sin of love that should be hid

(chorus)
Suppress and deny me
Demean and decry me
Shove me down
Upon the ground
And have your way with me
Suppress your desire
Fight it off, let it expire
The body’s bad
And we are sad
We will burn in the great fire
Everlasting fire

Hey, there, I cannot see you
But I imagine you are fine
Anonymous, like a donor
Another loner just killing time
Another loner just killing time

What’s up, Mr. Mystery
Would you like to come and play?
Are you nasty, are you naughty?
With a body that ain’t gay
With a body that ain’t gay, it’s okay

I heard you say our feet bumped
Indeed, I believe they did
I would love to bump again
It’s a sin that should be hid
A sin of love that should be hid

(chorus)
Suppress and deny me
Demean and decry me
Shove me down
Upon the ground
And have your way with me
Suppress your desire
Fight it off, let it expire
The body’s bad
And we are sad
We will burn in the great fire
Everlasting fire

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*This headline is in no way, shape or form related to Stephen Colbert’s I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!).

Crossposted at Correntewire.



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