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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Raising Cincinnati

Jean Schmidt
US House of Representatives

Dear Jean,

We were all together in holy humiliation this week when your FEC fundraising numbers were released. It is bad enough that your arch nemesis, Victoria Wulsin, raised more money than you, and has thrice the cash on hand. Worse yet, your Republican opponent and another Democratic opponent each have twice your cash on hand. It’s almost as if God is saying “no” to further study of nuclear waste sites in your district or something.

But here’s my catch-up plan. You need a splashy fundraiser with some big name draw—a Jean Schmidt carnival, if you will. And I’ve lined you up three clients who can pack a fundraising punch.

First, we’ll get Jeff Gannon and his holy hot tub of meditation. That’d be worth about one-hundred bucks a head from 40 or 50 contributors wanting a little quality time with Jeff.

Next, we get Sen. Larry Craig to participate in, what I like to call, Stall Talk™—it’s like confession, but…um…well, it's just a lot like confession. I figure a couple hundred loyal supporters would be willing to “confess” to Sen. Craig for $150 bucks a pop.

Finally, for the younger crowd, my friend Ted Nugent is available to host a big game of Pin the Little Soldier through the Map—good for twenty groups of ten at $200 buck a crack.

Hey...let’s make this happen, girlfriend! Get back to me soon.

Yours verily,

Hominid Views

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.