No more altar boys

Most Reverend Joseph Kurtz, D.D.
Archbishop of Louisville

Your Eminence,

When I see a crisis, I think "opportunity," and that's just what I'm thinking now after reading about the arrest of Bethlehem Catholic High School principal Paul Schum. I know it doesn't look good at first reading. I mean how do you explain why one of your principals would dress up in a leather, fishnet stockings, and fake breasts and go out hooking.

But think about it for a minute. A few years ago, this kind of bad news would involve charges of child molestation. I think dressing up as a woman and soliciting johns is a real step up from that, don't you?

Now I know the Church is opposed to homosexuality, I am too. Like me, I'm sure that there are many priests who think about homosexuality every second of the day, and sometimes we get to thinking about certain homosexual acts and the next thing we know we're tapping our toes on the toilet trolling for some guy in a sailor suit. It happens because Satan tempts us more than he does the less pious. And we're going to see even more of it now that the Pope has a Platinum Prada credit card and keys to a secret apartment.

So I say lets get ahead of it by establishing our own narrative. All you need to do is repeat this simple message over and over again: "Sure the Church's hierarchy may be a bunch of self-hating hypocrites, but at least we've stopped doing altar boys."

This incident with the principal provides you with a great opportunity to begin doing it now. I hope you do. I'm enclosing one of the posters I've created for a new marketing campaign I'm pitching to the Pope. Please feel free to use it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot