Setting the record straight

Wow, what a night. There I was, doing my normal routine, polishing my gladiator helmet while I watched wrestling on the tee vee, when the phone rang. I thought it might be OfJoshusa asking me to bring another Barry White album over to her at Mr. Garcia's house--she studies the Bible with him there every night until very late; he's divorced and very lonely, and he finds the sound of OfJoshua's Bible reading and the songs of Barry White to be very comforting--but it wasn't her. It was our next Leader, John McCain. He wanted to set the record straight on a few things, and asked me if he could use my blog to do it! Of course, I said, "Of course," so here he is, my guest blogger, Sen. John McCain.
-- Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Before I begin, I want to thank the General for giving me the opportunity to speak to you using the internet tubes of his tremendously influential computing machine pamphlet. I appreciate it, General, and that's a good thing for you. I'm considering putting you in charge of FEMA in return. It's a great job. All you need to do is sign contracts.

OK, let's get to the substance of my computing machine pamphlet report. I'm here to clear up some of the falsehoods that are being spread around about me, things like I'm so out of touch and so behind the times, I don't know how to use a computing machine. That's bullshit.

Sure, I've never used a computing machine and I never will, but only because I don't like them. I prefer to print my words out on one of these old screw-down printing presses. It allows me to kick a typesetter's ass whenever a god damned word is god damned misspelled. I once stabbed a typesetter who added an apostrophe it the contraction of "it is." I said, "You stupid bastard! You only use the apostrophe when "it" is in it's possessive form!" Then I cut the son of a bitch. He was a great typesetter after that.

I also refuse to use the letter that falls between "P" and "R," because...What? Excuse me for a moment, I have to talk to the computing machine pamphlet maker (I told you I'll never use one of these things).

God damn it Lieberman, you'll write what I say you'll write, fucking toady boy. Don't you ever kwestion my judgment! I'm right about the war. I'm right about torture, both when I'm for it and when I'm against it. And, I'm right about the proper use of apostrophes in the possessive form of adjective, "it."

What? Don't give me any of that pronoun shit. Do you want to be Vice President? Do you want to be a Vice President who only has one of his balls in a Mason jar in the Oval Office, or would you rather have both of them there? You'll write what I tell you to write you ass-kissing son of a bitch. I'm the only hope you have.

Did you write all that down on the computing machine? God damn it. I told you to write everything I said. Go back and do it, and then apologize to the General and his readers for wasting everyone's time on this bullshit about apostrophes and pronouns.

[I'm very sorry - Joe.]

OK, where was I? Oh yeah, the letter that falls between "P" and "R." I don't use it. It's for kweers. I'm a God damned fighter pilot. I make my typesetters throw it a way. I remember one of them disregarded my orders and kept the lower case letter. Well, I took a baseball bat...wait. My fucking strawberries are gone. They were here in the ice box on my big horseless campaign wagon. Now they are gone. Someone stole them. Someone stole my fucking strawberries.

That's it. I wanted to dispel the stupid fucking notion that I'm some kind of unstable rage-a-holic, but now I have to stop so I can find the bastard who stole my fucking strawberries. I have to catch the son of a bitch before he eats them.

Lieberman, open your mouth right now, you ass kissing bastard. What's that in your teeth? Ok. Now, apologize to the General and his readers for ending this computing machine pamphlet thing early and tell them we'll finish up another time. Then get out some rubber gloves and help me interrogate Governor Crist.

[I'm sorry, but Sen. McCain has an unforeseen conflict in his schedule. He'll be back to finish this post another time--Joe]