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Friday, May 30, 2008

The Trojan Horse of Bulging Gayness

Tom over at Correntewire says that media consultant Jeff Roe " about as reprehensible a campaigner as I’m aware of at any level of politics — and I’m including Karl Rove." I beg to differ: I think Jeff Roe is a totally gay genius.

Utilizing "the gay threat" to frighten people to support a candidate just doesn't have the impact it once had, but it does stir up other feelings. Roe's ads shouldn't make fun of San Francisco values to attack Kay Barnes: they should show gay pornos and blame them on her! They could CGI her into some three-ways and gay sex games, like "Hide the WMD" and "Put 'er There" and "300 and Counting." Kay Barnes would be so gay she would be a Gay Goddess! (pant...pant...dizzy now...)

I have to take a deep breath and slow down my thinking: if Jeff Roe used gay pornos in his ads then he'd have to compare those gay pornos to something else, because without contrast we don't get the meaning--I know I don't (what's hot without cold, or up without down?). When I'm having sex with the Mrs. I have to concentrate on mental images of men copulating, just to make sure I'm not going gay--I don't do this when she's wielding The No Spin Zone Spelunker 2000 because that would be gay.

Hey: I know! Maybe Roe could show straight pornos in the ad campaign! Then he'd have to show an erect penis (his?) and men (voters!) would look at the erect penis while holding their glistening, wet cans of beer, and that would make them gay (nothing gayer than staring at an erect penis while holding a wet can of cold beer, right boys?).

Soon, all of Missouri will become gay! Don't vote for Kay Barnes because it's her fault! Oh, shit...I have to think this through a little bit more (bear with me here): if all of Missouri is gay, then they would vote for the gay-friendly candidate, right? Kay Barnes would win in Missouri if Jeff Roe's Gay Campaign proceeds apace! Jeff Roe is totally gay! His anti-Barnes ads are the Trojan Horse of Bulging Gayness! Jeff Roe is deep-deep-deep undercover doing tactical propaganda work for Kay Barnes! Game over!

Missouri is lost! Missouri is lost! Missouri is lost! We will miss you, Missouri! Keep your gay hands off of Kansas!

To review: Jeff Roe has a plan to make Missouri gay, and his Trojan Horses are the ads he is running. Because of him, Missourians are forced to think about gays, which makes them gay (it's a viral thing--one often becomes what one obsesses about). To be clear, I'm not gay because when I think about gays I am having sex with my wife. It's all so simple, really.

Hey Missouri: Good luck to you and your St. Louis Cardinals--pretty birds, beautifully coiffed--they are so gay. But then, you already knew that.


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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.