Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, July 28, 2008

The ultimate blasphemy

David Clark
Christian Legal Centre

Dear Mr. Clark,

As I view the world around me, I often wonder if Christianity is still practiced in its purest form anywhere outside of Kansas and the former Confederate States of America. Your support of those calling for the prosecution of the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art for committing the crime of blasphemy confirms this suspicion.

Granted, a statue of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, sporting a woody certainly seems blasphemous at first blush, but shouldn't we give it a bit more thought before we bring about criminal charges?

Have you see the statue? I've seen a photograph, and although the Redeemer's erection was intentionally blurred, it looks like a whopper to me--it's certainly the kind of heat you'd expect the Son of God to be packing.

Doesn't it make sense that the most righteous would also be the best endowed? If not, perhaps you could explain my rather monstrous three inches! I mean, we do believe that God blesses the elect with wealth don't we? Or could it be that your assault on Christ's member is actually an assault on the true word of God as expressed through the teachings of Calvin? If so, perhaps you should open your Bible and study it rather than our Savior's man-sausage.

To me, the possibility of blasphemy does not arise from the depiction of Jesus' junk, but rather how it compares with that wielded by other figures in the same exhibition. Are Mickey Mouse's man-parts more massive? Is ET's erection extraordinarily titanic? If so, you may indeed have a case.

My guess is, however, that you object to the thought of Our Lord achieving a state of penile rigidity. By doing so, you reject His immaculate masculinity and embrace the feminization of His church.

Think about it. Do you really believe Jesus remained flaccid when Martha applied lotion to his feet using her hair? The very thought that Our Lord and Savior wold be indifferent to such an act should disgust you. It's tantamount to calling Our Lord and Savior a homosexual.

I can't allow you to do that. I will not stand by silently while you call Jesus a homo. That is why I will be asking the police to arrest you on the charge of blasphemy.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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