Dear Mrs. Porter,
Thank you so much for weighing in on the presidential campaign by declaring that Obama voters are going to Hell. I know it isn't easy being God's campaign surrogate--one major gaffe and your ass will be eternally roasting on a spit as a host of fallen angels chant, "I want mine, medium rare."
But shouldn't God's endorsement list be a little bit more ambitious? After all, the presidential race isn't the only thing on the ballot. What about the other races, initiatives, measures, propositions, and referenda? What has God got to say about them?
I know that a lot of us here in Washington State would like to get God's backing on Initiative 985--the elimination of HOV lanes. Lord knows He'll appreciate it if his return requires him to drive that stretch of I-5 between the Tacoma Dome and Seattle. Even the Prince of Peace is bound to succumb to road rage if he's sitting still in his Hummer watching all those packed Priuses go zipping by in the carpool lane. Think of all the needless smiting He could avoid by simply declaring that HOV supporters are going to Hell.
I think it's worth a shot. Can you talk to Him about it?
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and Biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, Patriot