Popping your Pookums

Heather Mallick
CBC Columnist

Dear Ms Malik,

I've been meaning to  write you about your CBC column.  Unfortunately,  I've been too busy defending our next Vice President from the demonic mockery of the witch-shielding left. Still, even though I'm a bit late with this--you've already heard the complaints of the 300 Fox viewers who are blessed the the gift of literacy--I must take exception with your characterization of Republican men as being sexually inadequate. 

It simply isn't true. We're just more efficient. We can't waste time on things like foreplay; we have important things to do like watching NASCAR and spying on our neighbors. So we get undressed, visualize a naked woman, a rifle,a goat, or something, and go to town for about 10 to 15 seconds. Then, we're done. Those of us who are multi-taskers might also spy on our neighbors and watch NASCAR while we're doing it, thus increasing our efficiency even more.

Of course, some of my fellow conservatives are not so sexually proficient. But it's still wrong to say they are inadequate. They're just ignorant. No one has ever sat them down to have "the air pressure talk." It's a difficult concept to master, air pressure. Anything under 10 psi causes your partner to become gelatin-like making it easy to fall off, mid-stroke. That distracts you from thinking about rifles.

You'll also have problems if you inflate your sweetheart to more than 15 psi. You're likely to get bounce off, or even worse, pop your Pookums. That can be heartbreaking. Just ask John McCain. He'll tell you. Why do you think he's so damned angry all the time?

But in any event, it's not inadequacy; it's either ignorance or efficiency. 

I hope you'll correct your column.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Obviously a fellow conservative.