Homophobic Musical Theater Directors Unite!

Scott Eckern
Artistic Director
California Musical Theater

Dear Scott,

Thank you for all you did to help us prevent the gay from having the same rights as real people. Perhaps now, we can return the favor by helping you liberate musical theater from the yoke of homosexual oppression.

I see you are performing Avenue Q and Forever Plaid. No doubt the homosexual cabal that controls musical theater requires you to do so, but you can strike back. As the artistic director, you have the ability to subvert these productions by butching them up a bit. For instance, you could dress the cast of Forever Plaid in leather vests and chaps. That'd butch it up, by God, and the cabal couldn't do a thing about it as long as you painted the leather with a plaid pattern.

Same goes for Avenue Q. Put all those puppet handlers in latex, like those outfits Batman and Robin wear, the ones that look that old Roman breastplates with the nipples and everything--there's nothing more heterosexual than Batman latex or golden Roman nipples.

Then there's the music. You can do something about that. Do you really think anyone would notice if you changed Avenue Q's "If You Were Gay" to the Village People's "In the Navy." Heck, I don't think so. The audience would be too distracted by the patriotism.

Well, I think that's a good start. Your the expert. I'm sure you can come up with more.

Keep on hatin'!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. If things don't work out, maybe you can team up with Prince.