Dear Mr. McConkey,
The badger knows nothing of honor. It is but a squatting demon with snarling teeth, wicked claws, and a vicious, almost Benedictine (XVI), disposition.
One lies in wait just outside my compound, watching me, biding his time, looking for the perfect moment to leap up onto my secret parts and shred them into tiny, bloody, naughty bits. He hates me because I am a godly man. It is in his nature as a demon to harbor such hatred.
That is why I was not surprised to learn that you caught the University of Wisconsin Badger, Mr. Bucky Badger, honoring a...[spit]...scientist, a stem cell researcher no less, by offering him a piece of cake.
You were right to react as you did by rebuking Bucky Badger--he'd have been stoned in a more god-fearing society. But by focusing on the cake delivery, you ignored the real problem: the fact that Wisconsin chose such a wicked, wicked animal to serve as its mascot.
Forget the cake. Forget the bastard dressed in felt and foam rubber. You should be demanding that the University be rid of the badger altogether.
I've already created the perfect character to replace Bucky. I call him Ziggy the Zygote-American. Originally, I pitched him to the NRA to help them teach gun etiquette to fetuses (an armed fetus is a safe fetus). Unfortunately, they declined, but perhaps God intended that, knowing that Wisconsin would need a pro-life mascot. In any event, Ziggy the Zygote is ready and willing to serve.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot