Where Few Conservatives Have Gone Before

The Honorable Steven M. Berman
Mayor, Gilbert, AZ

Dear Mayor Berman,

As you are no doubt aware, one of of our nation's finest Republicans was arrested recently in your city and charged with drunk driving. His name is Charles Barkley. Yes, that Charles Barkley, the retired basketball player.

On numerous occasions, Mr. Barkley has stated a desire to run for governor in Georgia. A DUI conviction could harm his chances for success. That's why I'm asking you to intervene in his case by appearing before the court as a character witness for him.

Mr. Barkley has an excellent excuse for driving while intoxicated. As he told the officers who arrested him, he was on an important mission, the kind of mission few Republican men are blessed to receive; he was going to put his "little Republican" in a lady's mouth, or as he put it, "I was going to drive around the corner to get a blow job."

Unfortunately, the police officers failed to understand the significance of this event, how rarely such an opportunity occurs for the average conservative man--it's just another example of the sad, sorry plight of the white, Christian male in this country today. You know what I mean. You're a conservative Republican too.

Please do what you can to help Mr. Barkley.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot