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Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Miraculous Visitation

Our Lord and Savior appeared to me today, and of course, I responded in the only way a good god-fearing man could--I put him up for sale on Craigslist:

Miraculous Visitation by Our Lord Jesus Christ - Jesus on an iPod - $2500

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-15, 3:13AM MST

I witnessed a miracle this morning when i turned on my iPod to listen to my favorite worship band, Mayonnaise Praise Revival. Rather than seeing a menu when i turned it on, I saw the glorious visage of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

He had a message for me, for at the very moment I saw his his immaculate face, I heard singing in my head. It was "Muskrat Love" by the Captain and Tenille, but the lyrics were different. The words I heard were "Behold, I have transcended toast and am now appearing to my flock via consumer electronics. Verily, I say unto you, I am the way, the truth, and the light with unlimited minutes and SMS. No one comes through me except through an iPhone."

Obviously, the Son of God wants me to get an iPhone. But how? Did his appearance mean anything? By wearing a camo boonie hat and holding a Czech Scorpion SA Vz 61 submachine gun, was he telling me I should rob an Apple Store? Well I prayed about it, and God told me no, He just didn't want anyone to think he was that wimpy, compassionate, feminized "Prince of Peace' the liberals worship. He also said, he was considering creating a something bigger than Hummer to give him more confidence when he's driving around after the Second coming.

Anyway, He wants me to sell his miraculous visitation on my iPod and pick up an iPhone and as he put it, "a kick satan's butt graphics card" for my computer. So here it is: Jesus on an iPod. And it's a Hell of a lot better than toast.


  1. Where in the hell is Logan? I want it, I must have it, why not put it up on ebay as a "buy it now." I should have flagged it, it is too special to be listed under "General" items for sale.

    If Logan is Utah, well that might not be the best market? I would suggest a red state like Georgia. I still would like the real one, but if you could get some more I could sell all you have around here. Respectfully soliciting in a Chreatinly Spirit

  2. Does Jesus have a machine gun in the picture on the TV. HA!

  3. I was in a Catholic Church in Los Angeles some time back, admiring all of the icons and the vast, sweeping drama of Jesus' life and all the saints. After a few minutes something caught my eye: upon a sculpture of Christ was a small likeness. I could not believe my eyes: there upon the Lord was the visage of a corn tortilla! I wept with joy and then went out and had Mexican food. Yea, it was good.


  4. Here's a transcript of a letter I wrote to Hal Turner's former handler at the FBI. Turner and I are just starting up a flame war and I will not rest until that fat fuck has been booted off and put up on federal charges for threatening to assassinate and to call for the assassination of 246 congressmen and congresswomen.

    If you would follow the link to Turner's website and have it flagged as violent, objectionable or whatever, I'd sure appreciate it. Turner thinks he can afford to laugh at me.

    He thought wrong. That fat fuck got on my radar screen and may God have mercy on his sick soul because I sure as Hell won't.

    Since you took on this asshat less than a year ago, Mon General, I was hoping you could give me the number to the Secret Service.

  5. when i saw the muskrat love reference i immediately broke into a cold sweat!

    vceeee worships that tune.

    need i say more?

  6. Well that explains a hell of a lot. All that time I spent praying to that picture wasted because I thought the Lamb was holding a Czech Scorpion SA Vz 68 when He was holding a Scorpion SA Vz 61. That would probably explain why my latest copy of Soldier of Fortune (I don't look at the pictures, I just read the articles - honest) showed up two days late in the mail.

    I have one question that makes my soul shudder even asking: Why is Jesus using an Eastern Block gun - is he a communist?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.