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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Balls and the Bible

Rep. Randy Forbes
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Forbes,

It's comforting to know that in these times of economic bleakness, there are Congressmen like you working on what's really important: passing a resolution declaring the Bible to be the word of God. It's about time we finally did this. We could have avoided a lot of problems (i.e. the War of Northern Aggression, integration, water fluoridation, the pill, etc) had we done so sooner.

I'm particularly glad you're doing it as part of the resolution to put a Bible on display in the Congressional Visitors Center. It provides us with a fixed place to sort real Americans from technically legal Americans. No Hindu, Buddhist, Jew or atheist could view such a display without wondering if they were indeed a part of our society.

But is such "wondering" enough? Shouldn't we make them feel their outsider status more concretely? I think so, and I have an idea on how to accomplish it. Why not add a human-looking robot to the display and program it to detect possible non-Christians and kick them hard in the balls. I'm thinking an animatronic Chuck Norris would be perfect. After all, he's considering a campaign to be president of Texas--what's more American than that?

Think about it. What stronger message could we send that someone is an outsider than to kick him or her in the balls.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Yes, I said "her." I know it's popular in the secular world to say women don't have testicles, but that's just another example of liberal sexism. I mean, I've never seen anyone provide evidence that women are balless (how the heck do you spell that, anyway, ball-less? See, there's not even a decent way to spell such a concept). No one I know has even really looked down there to see. And as the Bible says, God made us in his image...period.


  1. women are balless

    I believe the correct term is ballerinas, General.

  2. Good on you General sir, It's about time people recognized this is a free country and we can be Christian if we choose to be, and the majority have chosen Christianity. This country was founded by Christians and always has been Christian and it is about time we recognized an honored our core values before they get corrupted by the immigrants and others threatening our core values.

    If God didn't want this country to be Christian he wouldn't have founded it that way. It's time to love it (just the way God made it) or leave it. It's time we spoke out and made it what God meant it to be, this is a good step in the right direction, we can finally express ourselves and what we believe, i.e.,our core values.

  3. General, Sir:


  4. Bravo, General sir. Patriots like Randy Forbes need to know their efforts are appreciated by real Americans. Making the tough, often unpopular choices, is what makes real Americans like Randy (I'm liking his name, too) heroes to us non-Jew, non-Hindu, non-Buddhist, non-French, non-wetback, non-redskin, non-. . .well, you get my drift, sir. As for women's balls, I can't say that I have experience with them, only with my own.

  5. Can the auto-ma-tron of chuckie say "Jesus loves you" as it whacks you in the tenders, followed up with "Have a nice day"?

  6. General, Sir:

    The correct spelling of "ball-less" is L-I-M-B-A-U-G-H.

    Happy to help...

  7. Brilliant, as usual.

  8. My wife has balls: she took mine and put them on the mantel. They are a modestly decent conversation starter, but I am of the opinion that they're a bit morbid to look at (I swear one of them winked at me just last week--cheeky bastard).

    Hey, good on Mr. Forbes, but the patch on his arm looks like a graven image to me. What does the Bible tell us to do to people who worship false idols? Something about rock tossing?


  9. I was so excited to hear that a MS degree in Magic (a.k.a. Creationism) was in sight, I ripped my previously attained PhD in alchemy to shreds. Who needs it! I mean hey, I don’t want to brag, but I can spot a recession-proof degree when I see it!

  10. Yo Gen,
    God did it. Whers's my fuckin' degree?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.