Dear Mr. Jevney,
I'll always remember the day, back during the presidential campaign, when I received a DVD with my newspaper. It was a documentary called "Obsession." You were featured as an anti-Muslim expert. I'll never forget the terror I felt as I watched you explain the threat Muslims pose to our way of life. I became your biggest fan that day and decided to become a freelance spy just like you.
I read everything I could about your work, and eventually, I stumbled across your infiltration of Ummah.com. I have to tell you, it was a masterful operation. It takes a lot of guts to pose as a jihadist on a Muslim discussion site, write post after post calling for the death of British citizens, and then, use your own sockpuppet's posts as evidence that jihadists were plotting to kill your countrymen.
I had one of those "ahah" moments after reading that. "Hey," I thought, "I could use the same technique against those who want to allow the gay to serve openly in the military." And that's what I did.
Unfortunately, it did not work out as well as I hoped. My plan sounded good--I'd get photographs proving that the gay would do things to harm unit cohesion--but it was very flawed in its execution.
You see, I'd get all dressed up in my cammies and go to a bar near our local army base. Once there, I'd have a few drinks before finally following a soldier to the restroom and standing in front of the urinal next to him. Then, I'd hold my camera out at arms length to ensure we were both in the frame, and snap a picture just as I strained my neck over to get a good look at his Private Johnson.
Like I said, I was using a very flawed technique. The soldiers seized the camera and broke it every time--mostly by repeatedly bashing it against my face, but once by forcibly burying it deep within my cavern of shame.
I still think it's a great idea, but I need a little help with planning. Could you lend me a hand?
Gen. JC Christian, patriot