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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Investigative Report: Obama's teleprompter of Doom

The patriotsphere has been abuzz for months now about Obama's use of teleprompters. Many of my colleagues cite it as evidence that he lacks intelligence--that he uses teleprompters because he lacks the gravitas of such Republican intellectual giants as Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber, and George W. Bush.

I think that's just what Obama wants them to believe. He is after our base. He wants to be perceived as possessing the same level of blind ignorance as that which fueled so much passion at McCain-Palin rallies last fall and at C-PAC last month. Because we really dig ignorance. [Notice, I'm speaking the hip language of the kids. I'm with it, man.]

I've suspected all along that he uses teleprompters for a different reason: to assist the Global Amish Conspiracy in achieving total domination of international political and economic systems. Now, I have the scientific evidence to prove it (well, not exactly scientific--I'm not possessed by demons--it's more creation science).

I conducted my investigation by analyzing an actual photo of Obama's teleprompter. First, I subjected it to an Hindrakian doppler-shift analysis.

As you can see in the print on the right, the analysis exposed a secret message embedded on the telepromper screen (I suspect Obama's left eye has been replaced by a reptilian eye--that's how he sees it). The message says: "brown jacket knows you are secretly Amish. Do not call on him. Buggy 'accident.'" We can only assume the word "arranged" ended that sentence.

This is an important discovery. It confirms my earlier research on Obama's birth certificate.

Next, I exposed the photo to Beck's cyanic wavelength procedure, and found what seemed to be images of a nipple and the Three Stooges. I have to admit I'm puzzled by these results. There's really nothing very Amish about either nipples or Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe (Shemp might have made a little more sense.)

I can only guess that it was some kind of technical glitch and the images were meant to go out on the broadcast feed. That would make sense. No doubt the Amish are trying to destroy our basic values, and what better way to do that than to plant these images into our subconscious. I know I went on a week long self-abuse binge the other time I saw a nipple. The same thing also happens every time I see the stooges.

Finally, I conducted a Bachmannian directed point placement analysis. The result was astounding. There is no question that the points outline the official symbol of the Global Amish Conspiracy (as detailed in the Protocols of the Elders of Lancaster): the slow-moving vehicle sign.

Obviously, the teleprompter serves at least two purposes. First, it allows Obama's Amish masters to provide direction in real-time during his speeches (figure A). And second, it serves as a constant reminder of whom he serves (figure c).


  1. (well, not exactly scientific--I'm not possessed by demons--it's more creation science)

    I believe "sciency" is the word you're looking for. Like "truthy", but for science.

  2. When Obama plays hoops his aimish is pretty good, but not so much when he's bowling. Now (keep up with me here) if the bowling alley used special wood on its lanes, i.e. lacquered mennonite would Obama forsake his Amishnessnesss...well, you know what I mean.

    Thank you, General, for exposing Obama's Omish-ness. Amish-mash. Om mani padme hum. Amtrak. Amy Sedarisnessness. Just thank you for all of it.


  3. Anonymous3:20 AM

    So basically, the Amish rumspringa is really just covert intelligence gathering operations. Whoa.

  4. General, Sir:

    This is all very pertinent and suchlike, but I think you're being distracted by the Amishofascists from what is a much more worse thing--Weppinized Scrapple.

    That's right. America's heartland is being assaulted via the roadside gutbomb. It's not just the soldiers, this time, no, Sir! Every effin' merKKKin who bellies up to a lunch counter in Amish Country is being subjected to a HAOAP (Heart Attack On A Plate) that makes the SPAMification of the 50's look like an innocent prank. I'm sorry, Sir, to steal your gutthunder, but someone had to bring this to the fore. Otherwise it's "Today, the roadside diners of PA; tomorrow Shoney's!".

    Our crack investigative team was going to investitificate "chitterlings" (whatever the hell they are) too, but they ran out of crack.

  5. General, Sir:

    Holy Schnikeys! I found another one (a conspiracy, I mean; fuck, they're everywhere!).

    There is an Amishofascist screed that is currently on display of millions of homes, businesses and gathering places throughout this oncegreat nation of ours. It seems innocent enough, even admirable; but it's a call to arms for the forces of Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevul.

    Written by one Max Ehrman: I submit for your consideration, Sir, Exhibit A:

    "Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."

    It's from "Desiderata", Sir. It's been planted in about a bazillion places in this nation, waiting only for the codeword that will cause all of the dupes to spring into inaction. Well, not me, pal, Sir; no sirree, Bob! I got my radio turned up so loud that my NEIGHBOR'S fillings are working loose!

  6. Anonymous9:48 AM

    It’s unquestionably true. No real American would drive a slow moving vehicle.

  7. As one who lives amid the Amish, I thank the General for making me laugh. The Amish are masters of subtlety. Right now I see a few working their fields with a large team of mules. I don't know the significance of this, but why use four mules when one elephant would work?
    The graphics for this post are the funniest thing I've seen since whenever..

  8. General, Sir:

    I think it's time for "Plan Z". Oondancermay is in need of an intervention before he becomes infected with Amishofascism and starts speaking in Theethou.

  9. Amish AND nipples? This article has everything. Brilliant analysis, General.

  10. Game, set, your match, sir. These plain bastards won’t rest until every last Real American is hypnocommunized by said teleprompterrorizors.

  11. General Sir!

    I can explain the stooges and the nipple. Obama is actually quite shy and neurotic and gets stage fright big-time. The Amish Overlords have discovered that showing Obama episodes of the 3 Stooges whilst on stage calms & relaxes him enough to deliver the speech. I have the same issue and need to watch re-runs of Alf.

  12. Actually, I'd believe Obama is actually the alien 'kodos' from the episode 'Treehouse of Horror VII' from 'The Simpsons' and Joe Biden is actually 'kang', because only a maligned alien duo with 1/2 baked brains could step so much out of sync with the original founding fathers visions.

  13. Anonymous10:21 PM

    Ardosa, the plot was actually revealed in "They Live", a remarkable docu-drama cloaked as a cult-fave Sci-fi movie. I always wondered just who the actual masters were since zombie-aliens had to be a analogy or metaphor. Thank you General, Your revelation that it's the Amish explains everything.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.