Investigative Report: Obama's teleprompter of Doom

The patriotsphere has been abuzz for months now about Obama's use of teleprompters. Many of my colleagues cite it as evidence that he lacks intelligence--that he uses teleprompters because he lacks the gravitas of such Republican intellectual giants as Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber, and George W. Bush.

I think that's just what Obama wants them to believe. He is after our base. He wants to be perceived as possessing the same level of blind ignorance as that which fueled so much passion at McCain-Palin rallies last fall and at C-PAC last month. Because we really dig ignorance. [Notice, I'm speaking the hip language of the kids. I'm with it, man.]

I've suspected all along that he uses teleprompters for a different reason: to assist the Global Amish Conspiracy in achieving total domination of international political and economic systems. Now, I have the scientific evidence to prove it (well, not exactly scientific--I'm not possessed by demons--it's more scientificesque...you know...like creation science).

I conducted my investigation by analyzing an actual photo of Obama's teleprompter. First, I subjected it to an Hindrakian doppler-shift analysis.


As you can see in the print on the right, the analysis exposed a secret message embedded on the telepromper screen (I suspect Obama's left eye has been replaced by a reptilian eye--that's how he sees it). The message says: "brown jacket knows you are secretly Amish. Do not call on him. Buggy 'accident.'" We can only assume the word "arranged" ended that sentence.

This is an important discovery. It confirms my earlier research on Obama's birth certificate.

Next, I exposed the photo to Beck's cyanic wavelength procedure, and found what seemed to be images of a nipple and the Three Stooges. I have to admit I'm puzzled by these results. There's really nothing very Amish about either nipples or Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe (Shemp might have made a little more sense.)



I can only guess that it was some kind of technical glitch and the images were meant to go out on the broadcast feed. That would make sense. No doubt the Amish are trying to destroy our basic values, and what better way to do that than to plant these images into our subconscious. I know I went on a week long self-abuse binge the other time I saw a nipple. The same thing also happens every time I see the stooges.

Finally, I conducted a Bachmannian directed point placement analysis. The result was astounding. There is no question that the points outline the official symbol of the Global Amish Conspiracy (as detailed in the Protocols of the Elders of Lancaster): the slow-moving vehicle sign.



Obviously, the teleprompter serves at least two purposes. First, it allows Obama's Amish masters to provide direction in real-time during his speeches (figure A). And second, it serves as a constant reminder of whom he serves (figure c).