Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

As a Man Pisseth, So Is He

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

I'm worried about you. The state security apparatus exposes you to a few minutes of their favorite enhanced apprehension techniques and you fold like a congressman in the presence of Limbaugh. I mean, my God man, you've pulled your sitzpinkling sermon from YouTube, assumedly, because someone said it'd be used against you when you take the Border Patrol to court.

As you proclaimed in that sermon, God commands men to pisseth against a wall to prove they are real men. Women can't do it, nor should they. It's what separates us from them. They'd have to go through all sorts of contortions to get there, but God built men to pisseth against the wall. Sure, some of the more prostate-challenged among us might have to stand very close, but, damn it, we can still drip out enough to please the angels.

God made us that way so we could write His Word on the wall if we didn't have a chisel or a can of spray paint or a sharpie. And he gave that power, that special purpose, to men because he wanted His Word peed out in big block letters not that dainty cursive writing women prefer. He wants people to see JOHN 3:16 in all it's big block piss-yellow glory.

But suddenly, God's word isn't so important to you anymore. Instead it's become an embarrassment, and that's a shame. No it's worse than that, it is a sin, for you are not training up your sons in the way of the Lord. My heart breaks for little Samson, Phineas, and Haman. Who is going to teach them to pisseth against the wall? Will you leave that to Zsuzsanna? Will you command her to use one of those Godless whizzy things for women? Is she already halfway through Leviticus?.

Heterosexually yours, but in a superior, still pissing on walls kind of way,

Gen.JC Christian, patriot

Update: Oh, I see someone's put a copy of the sermon back up. God's word will not be shut out.




Update two: Pastor Anderson expresses righteous anger against uppity women and gets thrown off radio show.

19 comments:

  1. Hallelujah! The Word of God has brought me understanding! A Holy War is just a pissing contest with fatalities.

    Can I get an 'Amen'??

    ReplyDelete
  2. General, Sir:

    I was pissething against the wall and had written "YHW" and just as I starting the second "H", the, umm, the "ink" ran into the 50A/240V receptacle for the arc welder. Sweet suffering JESUS in a 100% post-consumer, paper hospital johnny! Well, needless to say, I've "seen the light" and my manquipment is tingly as all get out!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Because it's impossible to pisseth against the wall with any degree of accuracy when your hands are cuffed behind your back by the forces of Obamislamofascism, or the ZOG, or teh Antichrist, the prohibition against sitzpinkling is hereby decreed obsolete. When the brave Pastor Anderson complained in his YouTube clip about not being allowed to make wee-wee for an hour, I'm sure the distinction between sitzen and standzen was the last thing on his mind. Too bad Anderson was not hanging suspended from the ceiling under the tender care of CIA FreedomJailers, in which case he would have discovered the joys of AdultzenDiaperPinkling -- Supreme Court Justice (future division) Bybee says it's not torture!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I thought we were s’posed to write the Good Lord’s name in the snow.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Obvious, this is a sign of the Obamalypse.

    BTW - I don't think you have much 4th Amendment rights when you are driving on the public highways. Just obey the authorities and be on your way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That radio show announcer is going to hell.

    ReplyDelete
  7. RobertSeattle-

    I agree w/your BTW. If they ask for permission to search your car, saying no is probable cause and will probably get you a bonus beating. Not that Rev Anderson didn't deserve a beating, just not for this particular transgression.

    ReplyDelete
  8. General, Sir:

    If someone had told me--say six months ago--that somewhere in this wide, multi-fuckified fundamentalistical republic of ours, there existed someone who would make Fred Phelps seem even marginally sane, by comparison, I woulda said, "NFW". Pastor Steve is that someone.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This guy must moonlight as a urologist.

    ReplyDelete
  10. ROFL - That radio show host set him up good!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. When I was young I was a damn good pisser
    No wall was safe when I commenced a whizzer
    I learned most every font
    Leaving prose at all my haunts
    I had no fear, except when I saw scissors

    For Helvetica one needs a wrist most supple
    Comic Sans came in handy for the cuckholds
    Arial demands
    The use of many hands
    Catch what you spill and keep an extra cupful

    Times New Roman makes an impression
    Just ask an altar boy at his confession
    Go ahead, you know you wanna
    Start slow, go with Verdana
    Keep practicing until you've learned your lessons!

    ++++

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow, this guy makes Reverend Wright sound like Gandhi.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Better and better! Just when Pastor Anderson and his lovely, subservient wife seem like they are at the pinnacle of their perfection, they surpass themselves. I just may have to join Faithful Word - I can't get enough of that pastorin' stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for the added radio bit, Gen'l. If I might let my inner Australian (like an Inner Frenchman, only with a better tan) speak, he'd say that as much as he dislikes the authorities pulling people over with no probable cause and beating them if they speak up about their rights, this bastard got the bashing he was begging for.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Am I the only one who wonders about the sex life of the good pastor and his lovely wife? Do you think they only do it missionary style? I bet all ZsuZsu needs is a good round of cunnilingus to make her not so crazy bat-shit mad.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Cherry:

    From your tongue to GOD's ear!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Blasphemer! The Lord is so mighty that He can endow women with the power to pisseth against a wall if he so wishes. He gives her hands. Hands have fingers. Fingers can be used to guide the, er, stream.

    How else to explain the woman blessed with the ability to piss over a 78 Camaro's hood?

    No, wasn't I. But someone I knew.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes, Cherry. I've wondered. Has anyone wondered if "Pastor" Anderson has to serve time for a crime, how will Zsu Zsu support her brood?! I know. She'll have a fund drive and solicit and accept donations from people who never "CAME to their church." (See her blog about the "derelict man and his girlfriend who stopped and ask her for assistance). Ironic. Now they are soliciting and accepting money from anyone and everyone for "Pastor" Anderson's legal fees. Or maybe it's for another family vacation -- near the border "It's more blessed to receive than give." I wonder if they twist this scripture like they do the rest.

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.