Faithful Word Baptist Church
Dear Pastor Anderson,
I'm considering putting together an organization for God-fearing young adults who support John McCain for president. I'm calling it "Jesus Really Digs John" to give it that young person appeal. I'm hoping it'll take the edge off the whole age thing--you know, make McCain appear to be just as "groovy" as Jesus.
I'm looking for an energetic, youthful-looking pastor--a man who isn't afraid to proclaim God's written word--to lead it. It's not easy finding someone like that. After searching for weeks I was ready to give up, but then God intervened by leading me to the most important YouTube video I'll ever see. It's the one where you condemn Old Europe for promoting the practice of "sitzpinkling" with these words:
In Germany, they have signs that prohibit men from peeing standing up! … I was told that no man in Germany pees standing up. That’s where we are headed in this country my friends. We have a bunch of pastors who pee sitting down. We have the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. We got a bunch of pastors and leaders who don’t stand up and pee against the wall like a man. That’s what’s wrong with America. 400 years ago, pastors used to stand up and preach that A MAN NEEDS TO BE A MAN!!!! The editors of the NIV and the new King James all pee sitting down! I’ll tell you something, I’m not going to pee sitting down! I’m going to Germany in about a month, and you’d better know I’m going to stand up everywhere I go!
Praise the Lord! If you have the balls to walk into Germany and pee standing up, you have what it takes to lead Jesus Really Digs John. Heck, I'd even go so far as the say you have what it takes to be McCain's Secretary of State. Condi Rice doesn't pee standing up--or maybe she does; it doesn't matter, because she isn't out there making it an important piece of our foreign policy. You can do that!
And it's really about much more than just peeing from a standing position. There is also your series of sermons declaring in-vitro fertilization to be like "Nazi eugenics" and your essay on sodomy which finally puts to rest the notion that most pedophiles are heterosexual by noting, "It is clearly seen in the Bible that homosexuals are perverted in other ways and are always bisexual."
I hope you'll accept the position. I'll be happy to advise, but you'll have control of everything including fundraising. Please pray about it and get back to me as quickly as possible.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to reader Dan.