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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

May the Lord God of Abraham shrivel your testicles like a raisin in the Negev sun

Gordon James Klingenschmitt, Chaplain, USN (ret)

Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt,

Far too often, Christians respond to charges of wrongdoing by either turning the other cheek or by quickly repenting and asking for forgiveness. That's the wrong response--it's wimpy and unmanly. It's not what Jehovah would have done. He'd have kicked some ass; he'd have smited the offender's whole city with hemorrhoids.

That's why I was so happy to see your response to charges that you were improperly wearing your uniform for political and religious purposes. You didn't turn the other cheek. No, you uttered the following imprecatory prayer:
Almighty God, today we pray imprecatory prayers from Psalm 109 against the enemies of religious liberty, including Barry Lynn and Mikey Weinstein, who recently issued a press release attacking me personally. God, do not remain silent, for wicked men surround me and tell lies about me. We bless them, but they curse us. Therefore, find them guilty, not me. Let their days be few, and replace them with godly people. Plunder their fields and seize their assets. Cut off their descendants. And remember their sins. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Now some might say that Our Lord, God of Abraham, would be engaging in a bit of overkill if He granted all of your requests. I mean, hey, is economic ruin and impotence (that's what you mean by cutting off descendants isn't it--I'd have gone more for, "Please Lord, dry up their testicles like a raisin in the Negev sun," but that's just me) really an appropriate response to a cease and desist letter from a lawyer? I have one response to such wimps. Look up Judges 2:23-24. God sent two she bears to eat 42 children simply because they mocked a bald guy. You're letting Weinstein and Lynn off pretty easy if you ask me. Heck, you're not even going after their teeth.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Doesn't "cut off their descendants" mean kill their kids and grandkids? Like, it's okay for them to be born. THEN, you "cut them off."

    You'd think years in the Navy would have taught this lovely gentleman to be a bit more specific, mon general, but we just have to work with what we have.

  2. Wow. That picture of the Chaplain seems eerily familiar...

  3. Shouldn't we offer God a little something for any damages He causes? For instance say $200.00 if He causes someone's molars to rot or maybe $400.00 to make someone's testicles shoot out their anus (Quid Pro Quo Jesus!). Maybe $50.00 to make one eye bleed*. You know, we could work up a whole price list. After all, God ain't no slave who fucks people up for free.

    *Note: The amounts listed here are just suggestions and are not binding!


  4. Dear Chaplain,

    How did that imprecatory prayer for a rainstorm over the DNC in Denver work out for you?

    Get the hint?

  5. happy birthday, you remember when we used to make it rain before electricity?

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  7. I like the she-bear thing, but God should show a little North American continental consideration and send wolverines. Or at least some of those badgers from the odd video you had a while back.

    Down here, He'd use 12-metre-long saltwater crocodiles. (Or great white sharks if you were in deep water.) Now THAT would show you not to muck around with All-Smitey God!

  8. Bukko in Australia:

    "12-metre-long saltwater crocodiles."?

    How do you get one of those on the "barbie"?

    Don't be siccing the wolverines on folks, they got quite enough to do already--savin' MerKKKa from commonism.

    General, Sir:

    Chaplain Klingonschitt is one badass KKKristian mofo. He's into that voodoo religinomics thing, big time. I gotta tell ya though, Sir, that I've tried that imprickaterious praying thing a few times. I had a coupld of bill collectors looking for me (with aluminum softball bats--they weren't from HFC). And then there was that gal I hooked up with, Desdemoaner,--before the love of my life, Darla, swept me off my feet AND then into the dumpster of despair when she broke my heart, like some cheap piece of "crystal" that I won at some carny shooting gallery.

    My experience is that GOD wasn't listening (or maybe his "Miracle Ear" just needs batteries) because the guys with ballbats tracked me down at the exact moment when Desi showed up with that Desert Eagle she favors. The three of them got into a jurisdictional dispute and I crawled off under the tables during the ensuing mayhem. Wait, maybe them prayers DID work. Nevermind, thank you JESUS!!

  9. General, Sir:

    You got not one, but two, ads for the "Christian Prayer Center" running here. It says:

    *Submit your requests.

    *Thousands will pray for you.

    I wanna get laid, loaded and laid some more, so help me GOD!!

  10. Mr Omnipotent Almighty, Sir,

    I am praying to recommend democommie for your ’Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum – Fantasy Island Special’ program. I understand this includes an open bar, 70 drunken sorority girls on spring break and a beachfront condo.

    Demo has consistently shown commitment to the ideals promoted by The General, and vastly deserves to be shown Your tender mercies.


  11. Oh, and Bukko, did you have anything to do with this?

  12. Hey God ended the curse against the Red Sox!

  13. Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt

    I saw a story about you using a prayer against Atheists and whatnot and I was wondering if I could also use that prayer. My wife of 22 years ran off with a Baptist preacher named Wilfred Owens. Well, he said he was a Baptist preacher at any rate. He'd been having regular "hands on" prayer sessions with my wife while I was at work apparently. At least that's what they said was going on when I came back early one day. I didn't think anything of it at first but when I came home and there was a note on the table saying she was moving out because the Lord told her to, I finally knew something fishy had been going on. She even took the dog. So anyway, you can see why I'd like to use that prayer, assuming it works on Baptists as well as Atheists. Not that I have anything against Baptists although maybe you can see why I might. If I can use your prayer I'd definitely acknowledge it was yours to the Lord. If not I guess I'll just try to think up my own but I'm not very good at such things especially since the car accident a few years ago. That was kind of the wife's fault too but I don't really want to get into that right now. Keep up the good work. These are bad times what with Liberals being in charge now but this too shall pass. God bless.

    Gordon James Klingenschmitt responds:


    All I did was quote Psalm 109.

    There's an interesting debate about that Psalm, here:

    In Jesus,

  14. Eustace:

    Obviously Klingonschitz is a coward. He'll stand up to unbelievers when Sky Daddy's got his back, but he won't fuck with no Baptist--well not that way, anyhow.

  15. MOJoe -- I don't have those mad keen PhotoShop skillz -- or a magic camera that can take pictures back in time -- but thanks to you, I now have a new exclamation for when I'm angry: "Jumpin' Jesus Christ on a giant kangaroo!" Beats hell out of "Jesus Christ on a crutch."

  16. Democommie:
    Well what else would you expect from a guy who signs his emails "Chaps"?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.