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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

It's in Jesus' hands now

You may remember Dr. Wiley S. Drake. He's the Southern Baptist Conference vice president who asked God in imprecatory prayer to take the hair/teeth/life of a couple of secularist press contacts who had angered him. Dr. Drake and I have traded a number of emails since I wrote to him, asking him to use the power of imprecatory prayer to make Mitt Romney's hair and teeth fall out and to cause him to "shart" on Meet the press. I'm reprinting our exchange thus far, below.

Dr. Drake responds, clarifying his intent when he endorsed Mike Huckabee while using tax-exempt, church-owned, resources:

To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 1:44 PM
Subject: RE: Helping Gov. Huckabee


6801 Western Avenue, Buena Park, CA 90621
Phone: (714) 522-7201 Fax: (714) 522-7202

2nd Vice President 2006/2007

August 16th, 2007

Re: Clarification of my personal endorsement of Mike Huckabee

On August 11th I issued the following statement, " After very serious prayer and consideration I announce today that I am going to personally endorse Mike Huckabee"

I would like to clear up any confusion by the following statement.........

"I was speaking only for myself, and even though my letterhead had "First Southern Baptist Church" and " The Southern Baptist Convention" and it was broadcast on the radio station "Crusade Radio", I was not speaking for either of these groups. I said in my statement, "I am going to personally endorse"

Any identification with First Southern Baptist Church, The Southern Baptist Convention, and Crusade Radio was simply my 1st Amendment right to free speech to identify who I am.

I also would like to offer to any political organization equal and/or free air time on my show, "The Wiley Drake Show".

I ask Dr. Drake for further guidance:

From: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee
Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:27:43 -0700

Dear Dr. Drake,

Should we continue to pray, asking God to smite the testicles of Joe Conn and Jeremy Learing, yea, even unto causing their scrotal treasures to whither as the precious grape withers into a tiny raisin in the burning Negev sun?

heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Dr. Drake isn't very helpful:

Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 3:36 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Do what God tells you to do.

Still, I follow Dr. Drake's advice and discuss it with Jesus:

----- Original Message -----
From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 4:47 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Pastor Drake,

Thank you. He's telling me we need to continue to work the loins until the filthy secularists can't defend themselves anymore. Then POW, we knock them on their asses.

He also said something about the flesh of donkeys and the issue of horses, but I can't quite figure out what he meant [note to readers: could this be it].

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

After thinking about Dr. Drake's response for a day or so, I send a followup eamail:

From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Sent: Sunday, August 19, 2007 1:43 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Dr. Drake

I've been thinking about your answer for the last 24 hours or so, and I have to say, I'm very disappointed. It looks like you let these secularists bend you over the hood of a candy apple red 1974 Dodge Charger and have their way with you. I mean, are they still our enemies or not? Shouldn't we continue asking the Lord to smite their teeth, hair, and testicles? Those are questions you should be able to answer if those secular bastards don't have you cowering behind your pulpit like a frightened little girl? Indeed, you answered both questions last week when you commanded us to enter into imprecatory prayer, but now you're trying to shift responsibility toward Jesus by telling me to ask Him if I should continue our spiritual assault on these godless men.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Having not received a response to my last two emails, I decide to chat with Jesus again and ask Him what to do. Jesus comes through for me yet again with the best advice a Redeemer, Lord, and Savior can give.

I think it's only right that I tell Pastor Drake what Jesus told me, so I'll send the following email to him after I finish this post.

Dear Dr. Drake,

My disappointment with you grows daily. Not only did you offer yourself up to be the secularists' punk and try to shift responsibility to Jesus for declaring jihadrusade against them, now I find that you are even too cowardly to respond to my emails anymore.

I was going to let it drop, but I decided to ask the Lord for guidance one more time before I did so. He came to me in a dream last night and instructed me what I should do next. I know it was Him speaking to me in the dream because it was unlike the strange, undecipherable dream I have every night--the one where I'm dining with the singer, Prince, and he's stuffing a huge kielbasa into my mouth as a quintet of otters sing the Village People hit, YMCA. This dream was different.

I dreamt that I was living in the times before the Great Flood. It looked a lot like the Flintstones, actually, with Methuselah and Enoch and the rest using domesticated dinosaurs to mow their lawns and wash their dishes. Then suddenly you appeared and began removing the dinosaurs. Once they were gone, you started replacing the people with godless, filthy, socialist, secular-humanist austropithecines.

Obviously, Jesus was trying to tell me that, indeed, the secularists had made you their punk, and that now you're willingly doing the bidding.

The dream shifted gears at that point and suddenly I was faced with a huge bag of sorts. It was wrinkly, very narrow at the top, and very large at the bottom where it appeared to hold two enormous watermelon-shaped objects. The objects looked very heavy, their combined weight stretching the bag to a great length and stressing the wrinkles into a vertical orientation. Upon further investigation, I also noticed a number of long gray hairs emanating from the caucasian-colored bag walls.

Then it struck me. I was standing before an old white guy's crotchal danglings. But these weren't just any old white guy's scrotal treasures. They were certainly yours, because God has no reason to show me John McCain's. I didn't ask Him about McCain or anyone else.

Suddenly, at the moment i achieved understanding, the great watermelons began to shrink until they was nothing there to pull the great scrotum down. Relieved of the weight, it returned to its normal shape, making a rather painful sounding snapping sound.

The meaning, again, was obvious. Our Lord was commanding me to go to the people and ask them to pray an imprecatory prayer against you. And that is what I'll do.

Here's the prayer I'll use:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Dr. Drake hath dishonored you. He hath abandoned you after secularists laid hands upon him an madeth him their punk. He passeth responsibilty for his actions to thine Son. He hath forsaken you.

Oh Lord, we ask you to take Dr. Drake's hair, and, verily, his teeth as well. And Lord, we ask you to taketh hold of his manhood, yea, even upon his scrotal treasures, and taketh his sweet grapes and expose them to the Negev sun, so that they may become shriveled like raisins yet too bitter to serve as a substitute for candy, yeah even as bitter as the craisin of the cranberry.

And Lord, please bless Chris Masters so that he may leave the ring in triumph when he battles The Great Khali for the World Wrestling Federation heavyweight belt.

I ask these things in the name of Our Savior, Jesus Christ.


I really hate to do this, but you've brought it all onto yourself. It's between you and Jesus now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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