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Thursday, April 30, 2009

No Swine Flu on Felching Day

Yakov Litzman
Deputy Health Minister
State of Israel

Dear MK Litzman,

It's always very exciting to see a nation incorporate religious values into public policy. That's why I stood up and cheered the news that you had officially changed the name of the decidedly non-kosher swine flu to the much more rabbinically-correct Mexican flu. My G_d, the very thought that you or someone you love could succumb such an unclean disease must have stricken you with terror, the kind of terror we Americans can only understand when we compare it to the threat of the unintentional double entendre.

And that's why I'm writing you. Recently, true Americans, Christian Americans, like myself gathered to protest an unease of indeterminate origin that now blankets the American Heartland (OK, we know the origin of the unease, but we aren't racists, dammit). We called our protests "teabagging" parties because we were going to re-enact the Boston tea party by littering the street with tea bags. Unfortunately, our protests were met with derision and laughter because, unbeknownst to us, teabagging is a kind of sexual act involving the sucking of a mans grenades. 

We are offended by any act that involves the sucking of a man's grenades in the same way that contracting something as non-kosher as the swine flu offends you. That presents us with a problem. How do we continue teabagging without risking being labeled as teabaggers?

Well, I think you can help us with that. We're hoping that you can use your influence to convince our government to officially change the name for tea bags. I've already found the perfect replacement name, one that is evocative of the sound a teabag makes as it is dipped and retrieved from a cup of water--we'll call them tea felchers.

We've already scheduled the next Felching Day for the Fourth of July, so we're going to need you to give the Department of Commerce a call right away. It's important that Commerce establish the felching brand as soon as possible.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Mexican flu? Won't that mean that the pigs will have won?

    Oddly enough, the (former) Soviet Union didn't treat the Jews so well, but did the Semites change the name of Sickle Cell Anemia to Russian Cell Anemia? I rest my bullshit.


  2. Sir, were you aware that there is a tiny township in Michigan's Upper Peninsula named Felch? I used to drive through it when I had a job in Manistique, on the northern tip of Lake Michigan, on my way back to my cabin near the Keeweenaw Peninsula. I kept my windows rolled up whenever I passed through. You never know...

  3. And Jesus said, "Do not cast your pearls before Swine flu".

  4. I truly do think it is important we name this pandemic correctly. It would be a tragedy to let people die of an incorrectly-named disease.

    I suggest we call it The First Horseman of the Apocalypse Flu.

  5. See, I never Teabagged.

    I did pork a person or forty so does that count?

  6. BTW, the name "swine flu" is the greatest thing the spooks at the Fort Dietrick bio-warfare labs have ever done -- even better than developing this disease!

    You see, when the CIA spreads this disease to the Mahometan lands, it will be absolute DEATH to the most fanatical followers of Allah. They will know their bodies have been infested with the very genetic substance of a swine, and it will make their heads explode! They will have to kill themselves, or just give up and die, because their precious bodily fluids will be haram.At the same time, lax Mooselms won't be so fussed. (Like in Indonesia, where they are like the backsliding Methodists of Muslimania. Recent headline: "Indonesia bans import of pork products from North America." HELLOOOOO! Pork imports into an Islamic country? What part of "Thall shalt not" don't you understand?!?) So the people who are not the most implacable enemies of Christianity won't kill themselves over the virus that the good Christians of the military industrial complex has unleashed to kill them.

    Sheer genius! America might not make the best cars, or the best securitised investment vehicles, in the world any more, but it damn sure is #1 at finding ways to kill them folks that needs some killin'.

    The only thing I worry about is if this "Mexican flu" moniker catches on. Because I know a lot of patriotic people in the South who, if they thought they were infested with something that came from Teh Brown, well their heads would do the same thing as those fanatical Koranners...

  7. Dr Zsuzsanna Anderson has put in her .02 worth regarding the swine (ooops, Mexican) flu.

    Doncha know, it's a gov't conspiracy.

    What a surprise, a "pandemic" just in time to detract and scare us all. Gov. Rick Perry used it as an opportunity to issue a disaster declaration for the entire state of Texas.

    Symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to those of regular or seasonal flu and include fever, fatigue, lack of appetite and coughing. Some with swine flu also have reported runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

    Sounds like any flu, doesn't it? According to the CDC, "About 36,000 Americans die on average per year from the complications of flu." Let's see, that's an average of almost 100 deaths every single day. They estimate that 5-20% of Americans fall ill with the flu each year. So far in the US, the swine flu has sickened 91 people and killed one child who was visiting here from Mexico, which is far less than is caused by the flu every single day in spite of widespread vaccination programs.

    Of course, the WHO, our coming one-world medical agency, does not consider the "regular flu" a "level 5" pandemic even though it kills and sickens many, many more than the "swine flu".

    At best, this is just a media-hype to detract us from pressing current political issues and lining the pockets of pharmaceutical companies who are now making "vaccines". This "pandemic" gets people used to the government first declaring a state of emergency or martial law, and then doing whatever they feel like is the most they can get away with in order to "protect" us all. What a joke!

    Wash your hands, take your kids out of daycare/school, eat fruits and veggies instead of ready-made junk, stop going to the doctor for the sniffles, and run screaming the other way when you hear the word "vaccines". Our kids are the healthiest kids I know. Please don't waste your time writing dissenting comments unless you have five children who have been to a doctor less than three times between all of them in the last six years. I only accept health advice from people who are healthier than we are, which is almost impossible to find.

    Posted by ZSUZSANNA at 4:20 PM 8 comments
    Labels: controversial, natural health, politics, vaccines

  8. Sad to say, Zsuzsuanna is mostly right on this one.

  9. Yakov Litzman and Lou Dobbs have a lot in common.

  10. Anonymous12:18 PM

    Uh, General, Sir? Am I supposed to be honored or insulted? I would also like to mention that there is an area of Framingham, Ma. that is referred to as "felchville". Also, if you look in any online phone directory, you will find many people with the surname, "Felch". Indeed, if you google Dr. Howie Felch, you will find that it is an actual name of a real person.

  11. Anonymous12:24 PM

    Media-hype is getting to be a bad habit.
    Just as 'global warming' is a misnomer for the effects science described for a buildup of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, 'swine flu' is also misleading. It's really a human/pig/fowl hybrid virus.
    300,000 pigs slaughtered in Egypt! When will the terror end?

  12. Hello.

    I figure since this is a teabag post, I can write stuff (snark on me).

    Just wanted to say high again MJS, General.

    Love to the masses.
    Also, MJS, I'd like to have a quick chat. How can we do that?

    Peace to all the lovers and especially the haters.

  13. I am confused. I don't know felching from Shinola. I've never been on either side of teabagging, but I have Yakov'd.

  14. Anonymous4:12 PM

    General, I could have gone an entire lifetime without googling "define: felching".

    Moondancer: DON'T DO IT! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

  15. General, Sir:

    I think Dr. Howard Felch has a point. We should not be making fun of all of the good people named Felch (including, but not limited to, those in the "Felchville" area of Framingham, MA). Have you considered a different term. Just spitballing here, but what about "Haggarding" or "Craiging" Days? I'm sure I don't want to know what that might look like (nor do I want to guess what it will cost to set up multi-stall porta potties across the country) but isn't it a thought that is at least worth exploring?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.