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Friday, May 01, 2009

Elders of Zion on Mission to Save Fellow Mormon, Bybee

In an undeniable example of modern-day revelation, God recently took a day off from enforcing love segregation and commanded six influential Mormons to come to torture memo author Jay Bybee's defense. No doubt anti-Mormons and gentiles will say it is merely coincidence (or perhaps even evidence of a Mormon public relations effort) that these elders of Zion all spoke out at the same time, but we believers know better. God wants to put a stop to all this impeachment talk about Judge Bybee.

This is an important revelation, and like other great revelations before it, I'm sure it will be added to the Doctrine and Covenants, one of the Church's four standard scriptural works (along with the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Pearl of Great Price). And I suppose when it is added, it will look something like this:
D&C Sec. 139. A Revaluation Given to Six Elders of Zion on March 23, 2009

1. And behold, the Spirit of the Lord descended upon seven Elders of Zion and commanded them to tarry unto the newspapers, radio, and the television shows and make excuses for Elder Jay Bybee's torture memos.

2. "Go now, Elder Harry Reid to the Maddow show," commandeth God,

3."And yea, also Elders Randall Guynn, Christopher L. Blakesley, Tuan Samahon, Thomas McAffee, and Steve Guynn go ye unto the Washington Post, Las Vegas CityLife, and that show on French Public Radio, All Things Considered."

4. "And telleth them this: 'Judge Bybee doth not deserve impeachment for his memos were written by others and he is incompetent.'"

5. "And prepareth thineselves to defend other Elders like Timothy E. Flanigan who also shapethed the torture policy and Elders James E. Mitchell and John B. Jessen who createthed the torture techniques."

6. "For I am a powerful and omniscient God who diggeth torture."

7. "Oh, and yea, I am the Lord yet I almost forgot, my servant Elder Orson Scott Card, I command thee to go say some really crazy shit about the gay."


  1. I confess that I don't understand Mormonism. "For God so loved mankind that He took a weird, inchoate collection of myths and then crunched them together on a farm in upstate New York." Weird, I tell you. Odd. And they're so obsessed with sex! I can't imagine that big Mormon table in the afterlife as being anything other than a bacchanal accompanied by bland food.


  2. Jackson Street Books confesses to having several Orson Scott Card volumes. We hangenth our heads and beseech you! We inherited these divine signed copies. Oh, whyeth don't they sell?

  3. General, Sir:

    I'm with Mr. mjs, Sir, on this one. I see the paradise of Moronism as being something like 72 blonde, blue-eyed virgins, per elder, serving jello-mold and cherry Kool-aid.

    Seattle Tammy:

    I have a suggestion for what to do with the OSC volumes but I suppose the outside temperature has risen enough to make it impractical.

  4. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Hey, man, who doesn’t diggeth a little torture every now and again … in the privacy of your own bedroom … with the wife … and some shiny black boots …

    But that Bybee, man. He’s one crazy motherfucker. Even I don’t swing that way.

  5. Well, they need to be purchased, since Dan and Tammy already bought them. However, new books should not be ordered from the publisher. After all, you'd only be encouraging domestic terrorists like Card by purchasing his work.

    (Domestic terrorist remark not original with me, btw.)

  6. " and yea, verily, even Mitterund shall be bestowed with the new light, white and delightful, to bring the GOP back into the folds..."
    Let's see....NCNA / PNAC, here we go again!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.