Andrea Sheldon Lafferty
Traditional Values Coalition
Dear Mrs. Lafferty,
I know you're completely focused on "sodomy in battlefield situations," right now--surely, all the thought you're giving to "bare-backing parties and other forms of homosexual orgies" in the military gives you little time to think about anything else--but I've leaned of another threat that deserves your attention as well. That threat is robot prostitution.
It was only a matter of time, I guess. Sooner or later, we were bound to see a case of robot prostitution--it's the logical next step after the gay marriage--now, we have such a case in Michigan.
Last week, Jason Leroy Savage was sentenced to 90 days for performing an un-natural act with what police euphemistically described as a car wash vacuum. Yeah, sure, a car wash vacuum. We've all seen these so-called "vacuums," sitting there all bright, and steely, their long sucking hoses draped seductively over their hot little hanging hooks.
You know how it is. You can almost hear them calling out to you, "Come on General. It's only a dollar. Go get some tokens. I won't laugh at you again."
Before long, the temptation becomes too great. So, you buy the tokens. You put them in. You flip the switch, but you embarrass yourself before you even get to taking the hose off the hook. And the lying whore laughs at you. Yes, it laughs at you after it promised not to. God dammit! it laughs at you! So you start crying and screaming and saying it's never happened before, and then, everyone at the car wash is looking at you and they're laughing too. Bastards. They are all god damned bastards. Fucking bastards. God damned fucking bastards and they can go straight fucking to hell. Especially, Cletus. Fucking lying bastard. Don't believe a word he says. The goat was drunk. I mean I was drunk. Screw it it. We were both drunk.
I don't know. I've kind of lost my enthusiasm for writing this letter now, so let me just say, do something about the god damned robot whores! And don't believe Cletis. He's a lying son of a bitch!
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot