Andrea Sheldon Lafferty
Executive Director
Traditional Values Coalition
Dear Mrs. Lafferty,
I know you're completely focused on "sodomy in battlefield situations," right now--surely, all the thought you're giving to "bare-backing parties and other forms of homosexual orgies" in the military gives you little time to think about anything else--but I've leaned of another threat that deserves your attention as well. That threat is robot prostitution.
It was only a matter of time, I guess. Sooner or later, we were bound to see a case of robot prostitution--it's the logical next step after the gay marriage--now, we have such a case in Michigan.
Last week, Jason Leroy Savage was sentenced to 90 days for performing an un-natural act with what police euphemistically described as a car wash vacuum. Yeah, sure, a car wash vacuum. We've all seen these so-called "vacuums," sitting there all bright, and steely, their long sucking hoses draped seductively over their hot little hanging hooks.
You know how it is. You can almost hear them calling out to you, "Come on General. It's only a dollar. Go get some tokens. I won't laugh at you again."
Before long, the temptation becomes too great. So, you buy the tokens. You put them in. You flip the switch, but you embarrass yourself before you even get to taking the hose off the hook. And the lying whore laughs at you. Yes, it laughs at you after it promised not to. God dammit! it laughs at you! So you start crying and screaming and saying it's never happened before, and then, everyone at the car wash is looking at you and they're laughing too. Bastards. They are all god damned bastards. Fucking bastards. God damned fucking bastards and they can go straight fucking to hell. Especially, Cletus. Fucking lying bastard. Don't believe a word he says. The goat was drunk. I mean I was drunk. Screw it it. We were both drunk.
I don't know. I've kind of lost my enthusiasm for writing this letter now, so let me just say, do something about the god damned robot whores! And don't believe Cletis. He's a lying son of a bitch!
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
I really have got to stop reading your stuff at the office General. It's very difficult to explain the choking, grinning and weeping to my japanese co-workers. I usually tell them I've been praying, but I don't know if they believe me anymore.
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir!
ReplyDeleteJust found a great Christian book that might be in need of a review:
BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1425992609/ref=cm_rdp_product
Found through the evil atheists at The Atheist Experience (http://atheistexperience.blogspot.com/2009/03/birth-control-is-sinful.html)
We could make a few bucks off of this, if we could just get the car wash vacuums into men's restrooms. I know if I was pointing my oval orifice down Pooper's Porcelain Leap, and then tapped my foot and suddenly found my loafers were up against a pliant, sucking hole I'd...ah...eh.
ReplyDeleteMinnesota is cold, even in the spring. Very, very cold.
++++
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteThem Suck-O-Matics at the carwash have a hose that's like, what, 2-1/2" diameter? Lots of flow, but not all that much vacuum pressure if you know what I mean. You need to get a 2-1/2" to 1-1/4", male-to-male reducer if you expect to get adequate suckage. At least that's what I've been told.
A friend of mine told me that kinking and unkinking the hose in rapid succession produces a pleasurable pulsation. If your into that kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteGet a Roomba!
ReplyDelete(… Rimshot! …)
I can't wait for the singularity, so I can truly bond with my very expensive bagless Dyson.
ReplyDeleteY'know those attachments for the vacuum cleaner hose that the wife uses to clean delicate things like lampshades? The ones with the circular ring of standing-up hairs around the suck-hole? Sorry, I suppose "aperture" is the Christian word...
ReplyDeleteDon't those things put you in mind of a lady's unmentionable part? (Or a man's bearded mouth if you go that way, in which case you'd be a vacuufascisodomite.)
You're probably thinking "Suppose I put some Vaseline on there and cut open one of those fish oil vitamin capsules my wife makes me take and smeared it around while she's out shopping? Wouldn't THAT lead to some fun?!?" I'm not saying I would think this; I'm talking about you.
Not that I would advise doing this. It might lead to some screaming the next time the wife tried to use that thing to get the dust off lampshades. Words like "What the hell have you been doing, you sick bastard? The duster attachment is filthy and it stinks and now there's sticky shit all over my antique lace shade! What you did with the lamb chops last week was bad enough, but THIS?!? You should be locked in the bughouse!"
Not that I'd know anything about that, but I'm sayin' it might happen in YOUR life. Thank goodness they don't have any of those vacuum attachments that could fit on watermelons.
It's bad enough that they charge what they do for the..er, service; I've adapted a fitting for the ol' residential Shopvac here in Zion.
ReplyDeleteGotta remember to remove the filter first.