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Friday, May 01, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion Gay Marriage is a threat to the sanctity of Not-Gay Marriage has died as a result of having tripped over a bottle of scotch, a baggie of crystal meth, a racing form, combat boots, a loofah, that cute girl next door who is recently back from college, gonads that produce 250,000 spermatazoan Americans every day, a mounting pile of debt in the middle of the goddamn room, a foreclosure notice, peak oil, a canceled health insurance notice, a broken set of communication skills, an empty Altoids tin, a pile of VHS tapes, a rogue angry bear and a piping hot cup of shut the fuck up--the Opinion ultimately striking its head on a coffee table and bleeding to death on the living room floor. By the time Gay Marriage came by to threaten the sanctity of the Not-Gay Marriage it was too late. Efforts to revive the Not-Gay Marriage were met with Fear and Suspicion, who had stopped by for reasons of their own.

The Opinion, based largely on interpretations of the writings of Semitic priests whose main purpose was to make sure young Jewish males didn't schtupp every single tookis that wasn't nailed shut, had been self-medicating for the past 2,500 years. If anyone who received assurances that Gay Marriage would threaten the sanctity of their Not-Gay Marriage is not happy with the death of that Opinion the family asks that you dye your hair blond and have your boobies surgically enhanced. They also recommend that you stay away from feelings of compassion, reason and common sense, and any other thought or notion that would cause one to question why denying rights to others is a noble and worthy use of one's time on this planet.

The Opinion's cremation was handled by Hellfire & Damnation Burials. Once the cremation had taken place, the family chose to sit quietly with the ashes for a time, after which they moved on with their lives. The family urges the rest of America to do the same.

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The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.

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20 comments:

  1. Dammit, MJS, I knew somehow bears were to blame.

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  2. It was the damnest thing. One minute ol' Gay Marriage Hater was on the veranda with Haley Barbour, Tom DeLay and a few others, enjoying a few juleps, the next thing you know...ICU. Never saw a wedge issue go like that.

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  3. Oh, that opinion will be back to energise us! Just as soon as everything else is fine with the economy and tne environment and the terrists, and we don't have anything else more important to worry about. Yeah, any minute now...

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  4. U B right, Bukko. Time was when Reagun got elected twice, no less. And the came W. Never underestimate the stupid-ity of the numbnuts of Merika. Don't have the brains god gave a goose.

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  5. I wanted to order flowers for the funeral, but my local florist had just eloped with his boyfriend. Sorry, but timing is everything.

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  6. it's still alive and well in montana thanks to our regressive republican legislature.

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  7. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Boy, the partyhearse has been busy of late! I'm looking for the column that says that both the opinions of the "Unitary presidency" and "bushco is above the law" were killed in a flaming crash in Spain, of all places.

    problembear:

    Well, Mother's Day is coming, there's time for a little guerilla insurrection. Each and every MT legislator surely has a mother and the majority have wives as well. They all order flowers for mom. In addition to the card saying "With love", "Thinking of you", etc.,. the florist(or the 90% that are gay, anyway) could put another note in the deliveries to the assholes who voted to outlaw Gay Marriage. Something along the lines of "These flowers were lovingly arranged by someone whom your son deems unworthy of the same civil rights as you and he enjoy." or, if I was teh GAY and sending the flowers. "Your son's a fucking asshole!".

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  8. As far as your concern for this "opinion" goes, I have two words for you. "Natural Law." It can't be subverted by the mere whim of Man.

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  9. Demo, I don't know about that unitary thing, but for me the end of the "Urinary Presidency" came on Jan. 20, 2009. That's when I no longer wanted to piss on the prez...

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  10. Dear Nephilim22: thank you for the two words but I already have them. I'm not sure they mean the same things to me as they do to you. As for "whim": seeking increases in civil rights is not a mere whim to those who have been denied them.

    Many a truth is subverted in the name of belief.

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  11. Say, MJS, isn’t about time for an Opinuary column about “natural law” (which, I think, is right up there with “jumbo shrimp” and “military intelligence” …)

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. I find it wholly amusing to read all about the natural laws refering to man/woman relationships, but then natural laws are conveniently tossed out the window in favor of creationism when the subject changes to evolution.

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  14. jcricket,
    You are confusing the Protestant drive for creationism with Catholic belief and principle. I find it amazing that people who know so much about religion and that can afford to be so judgemental of believers really have little or any clue as to the distinctions between faiths and their individual goals. Next time you comment, could you try to be a little more informed?
    As for Natural Law, there is only one Natural Law that provides man with objective morals and guidance. It has been honed and developed by luminaries such as St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas and shows no sign of dying. Good luck trying to say it's dead.

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  15. ...there is only one Natural Law that provides man with objective morals and guidance.When Faith becomes Insistence it loses its very essence. Since there is no way to prove that there is "only one Natural Law" one must rely on Faith for such a sweeping pronouncement, a faith which belies proof. There is no quanta, no evidence except the hot air that carries such hyperbole aloft. You have nothing but the faint echoes of primacy when preaching absolutisms, a primacy asserted by men and men alone.

    Keep Faith in Church and your little magical stories about a personality creator god will still reach people, who will tremble or twitch or what-have-you when the Holy Ghost starts playing pinball in their spleens. But force those magical stories into the light of day and you sacrifice a god for your ego.

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  16. Nephie:

    Actually, I refer to Natural Law as the equivalent of the physical laws of nature, and this is the generally accepted meaning unless, of course, we are in a theology class whereby it means whatever the study course says it means.

    You can quote any Catholic luminary you may wish (Augustine, St Thomas Aquinas, Mother Teresa), but I am willing to bet that somewhere in the extended logic applied, the base of the luminary’s opinion is always that nature is guided by God. Protestant evangelicals may get to the heart of the matter in a coarse, less sophisticated, even blunt manner, but that does not mean that Catholics and Protestants do not end up with the same bare philosophy that nature’s actions mirror God’s desires, and therefore Teh Gay can’t possibly be natural. In this case, I do not confuse Catholic belief and principle with Protestant drive. I lump you in together. Period.

    You smugly make assessments about my level of being informed. What a condescending ass you are. Isn’t one of the deadly sins Pride?

    This is a fun site. Stay and chat and get to know the regulars, if you like. But if your intent is to pompously compare/contrast any of our comments to first year seminary school curriculum, then you will find that your offerings will be met with somewhat jaded reception.

    Love,
    jcricket

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  17. jcricket: what.you.said.

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  18. Okay, so, I still say “Natural Law,” as opposed to the laws of nature, is dead.

    You may recall a certain “highly qualified” Justice Clarence Thomas (he’s the guy who’s still mystified by dishwashers and thinks we have “too many” rights) once professed his belief in “Natural Law.” I rest my case.

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  19. Thanks mjs. Your support is appreciated.

    At o-dark thirty in the morning, Mr Cricket and I are off to the Olympic Peninsula for some rustic camping and "roughing it" at LaPush. He is from the SF Bay area so he really doesn't know how damn cold the water really is this time of year in Washngton State waters. I'm hoping for some Kodak moments as he realizes that he is thirty seconds away from hypothermia.

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  20. Yo, Necrophilium22:

    Dude, these other folks are trying to let you down easy. Not me. I believe that when a man comes to visit and shits in the punchbowl he should be tossed out into the darkness where he can be the source of wailing and the gnashing of teeth. Fuck off, you GODbot asshole.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.