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Friday, May 15, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion The United States is Number One! has shuffled off its numeric coil and is no more, largely due to the inability to qualify what the phrase "We're Number One!" (often chanted after consuming vast quantities of inebriants) actually means. Some have suggested that the Opinion is only passed out and could wake up at any time, while others have taken to nailing it to an improvised perch in a desperate nod to Monty Python.

Valiant efforts to resuscitate the United State's Opinion of itself were undertaken by hundreds of Americans this past April 15th, many of whom stood on traffic corners and, well, they were holding signs and yelling and some of them had kids, so it was really patriotic, whatever it was. Anyway, The Opinion began to experience some discomfort as its world rankings in Life expectancy left it far out of the number one position. Further attempts at "Oneness" fell short on Healthcare, Gross Domestic Product, Murder rate, Debt (we almost made it to number one, but "the world" defeated us in our glorious quest, Infant mortality rate and the insidious Happiness index...

We did manage to make a Canadian list for countries who torture but that was not enough to keep The Opinion alive and well. We thought we had nailed down the Number One for Military Spending, but darn NATO and "The World" did a Mad Max number on us...

Members of the immediate family ask all concerned to bring really large, polyurethane foam fingers to the funeral, and wave them proudly, and yell and scream, and cuss and holler! Yay! We're Number One! We're Number One!

In lieu of flowers friends of The Opinion are asking that you (yes, you!) work hard to keep America safe for wealthy people who would electrocute your testicles until all that was left was a pair of carbon raisins if it meant having another widescreen HD TV in the parlour or another tax haven in some magical land of tropical breezes.

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The Opinuary Column appears on Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

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10 comments:

  1. I will keep working my raisins off for, not only the wealthy people, but for the right to pay the minimum payment due, to act now and double my order, to defend my escrowed property (even pre-emptively) and to keep out the brown hordes.
    USA!!USA!!USA!!

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  2. Yes, well, I’ve always found it disturbing that most Americans see their country as a football team to be rooted for, rather than a collection of human beings and complex ideas and moral values and the like.

    Plus, some football teams are less equal than others, if ya know what I’m sayin’. If I have to listen to one more whiny fucking douchebag military-aged chickenhawk Notre Dame Young Republican ass-wipe grouse about Barack Obama giving the commencement speech at their miserable-ass excuse for a “university” in South Fucking Bend, I’m gonna become a fucking Michigan fan. I fucking swear I will.

    Okay, so, I strayed off topic. But I spent a lot of time in the car this morning listening to “Morning Edition” (oh, why do I do this to myself) and that was the only fucking story they covered, or so it seemed. Now I’ve gone and used my entire allotment of f-bombs in one comment.

    Sigh.

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  3. MJS, I disagree with your logic about "the world" in terms of being #1 in debt and war spending. (Let's drop this pansy pretence about calling it "defence" or "military" spending. We make that money up out of thin air and spend it for the purpose of making war and killing people, dammit!)

    The (currently) United States has more debt than any oher single country, and it spends more for war than all the rest of the countries in the world COMBINED! Just because the number for the "world" -- which INCLUDES the (temporarily) United States -- is larger than America's, doesn't mean we're #2. You can't be larger than a number that includes yourself. Unless you're God. In which case, you could make a muffin that's larger than God could eat. Until you, God, decides you CAN eat that. And put more butter on it, me-dammit!

    Time to go back to STAT 101, mjs. The United (possibly - Texas) States is number one in debt, thanks to dollars it can make up out of nothing to buy real stuff like oil and cheap plastic crap from China. And it will stay that way as long as other countries keep accepting those nothingdollars. And if any of you little countries think of saying "no", there's a reason for all that war spending...

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  4. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I see, from Cpl. Stevan's use of it, that "USA!!USA!!USA!!" is still putting up the good fight; but it's starting to look a bit green around the gills.

    Dave von Ebers:

    You have my permission to use "Fucknozzleneedleweaseldouchedick" in the event your own supply of anglo-saxon eptithets is overdrawn.

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  5. You can't be larger than a number that includes yourself.You never had dinner with my Uncle Linda.

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  6. Wide screen HD TV: YES.

    Parlour? WTF? Parlour? That ain't an amuruhcan word. If it was, it wouldn't have a u between the o and the r. Yer some kind o furriner berating this great land. I am through with you.

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  7. DQ: alas, I have been found out. I shall diminish, and retreat into the west...

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  8. MJS: You could step into my "parlour." If I had one, that is. But I don't. However, if I did, that's how I'd spell it. Unfortunately, all I have is a "loo."

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  9. Bukko in Australia:

    Ohh, you 'ad a loo? How nice for you, how very posh. Why, I've got nought but a 3-1/2" diameter 'ole in the floor. I think the wine cellar used to be down there, but not any more.

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  10. This opinuary shit is fucking hilarious!! w00t!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.