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Friday, May 15, 2009

Training Tomorrow's Teabagkommandos

John Anthony, MS
National Director
Explorer Scouts

Dear Mr. Anthony,

I love the work the BSA is doing to prepare our teens to become cogs in the state security apparatus. Your training regimen, which includes exercises ranging from conducting drug raids and border sweeps to taking out terrorists and school shooters, is very impressive. I was particularly taken by the Red-Dawnish realism of a recent exercise where the terrorists were dressed in traditional Arab clothing. I bet the kids loved liquidating them with their airsoft rifles.

But is it realistic enough? You know the Demislamunistofascists won't be in charge forever. Eventually, Jesus, will bless us with Republican leadership again, and the scouts you are training today--or if not them, their children or grandchildren--will be serving in the state security apparatus. Will they be fully prepared to coerce the false confessions needed to justify our next Republican war?

The answer to that question is no, unless you're offering advanced torture--or as the marketing guys say: "enhanced interrogation techniques" (EIT)--training as well. My guess is you aren't, and you need to remedy that right way.

It should be easy enough. Just have your scouts do a snatch operation--surely you've trained them for that. Have them grab some hippy kid and show them how to waterboard him until he cops to forging fishing licenses for Obama. You could also help them to build black widow spider cages that'll fit over the detainees head--that's something they could keep until the first Jenna or not-Jenna administration. What a gift that'd be.

Heterosexually yours, 

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I'd bet money that if someone afflicted with Teh Gay saw that photo, he'd be thinking about what could happen if those young KommandoScouts didn't have any pants on.

  2. grab some hippy kid

    Better yet: have 'em practice on KKKarl, who's got some 'splainin' to do anyway.

    Maybe we could settle the question about whether it provides useful information.

  3. General, Sir:

    Boy, I hope nobody gives them young'uns live rounds and then, like, pops a paper bag as a practical joke. I can see where friendly fire would take out about half the assault team immediately.

    The new BSA (Boy Storm Abteilung) Law:

    A Scout is:

    Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent, A good shot, Endowed with at least 109% manly heterotesticulitizationyness and A Sojer of KKKrist.

  4. Something about boys frog marching in cammos with plastic toys, that makes me want to be a gladiator. We don't need a sheriff, we need a choreographer and a bath house.

  5. The picture gives new meaning to the phrase "hands on training".

  6. With this military training, are the "Boy" Scouts going to operate under a "don't ask don't tell" policy? Or are they sticking with "if I think you are, we'll beat you up," which has done so well for them all these years?

  7. Anonymous4:14 PM

    I think Demo wins the daily prize for cleverest turn of a phrase with “Boy Storm Abteilung” (although I s’pose it oughta be “Boy Sturm Abteilung,” you know, auf Deutsch, as they say).

    Anyways, maybe the next time the BSA has one o’ them jamborees, they can get the ex-Hitler Youth Pope to give the benediction. You’ll pardon the expression.

  8. fuckshit. I was THINKING "Sturm abteilung", too much caffeine I guess!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.