John Anthony, MS
Dear Mr. Anthony,
I love the work the BSA is doing to prepare our teens to become cogs in the state security apparatus. Your training regimen, which includes exercises ranging from conducting drug raids and border sweeps to taking out terrorists and school shooters, is very impressive. I was particularly taken by the Red-Dawnish realism of a recent exercise where the terrorists were dressed in traditional Arab clothing. I bet the kids loved liquidating them with their airsoft rifles.
But is it realistic enough? You know the Demislamunistofascists won't be in charge forever. Eventually, Jesus, will bless us with Republican leadership again, and the scouts you are training today--or if not them, their children or grandchildren--will be serving in the state security apparatus. Will they be fully prepared to coerce the false confessions needed to justify our next Republican war?
The answer to that question is no, unless you're offering advanced torture--or as the marketing guys say: "enhanced interrogation techniques" (EIT)--training as well. My guess is you aren't, and you need to remedy that right way.
It should be easy enough. Just have your scouts do a snatch operation--surely you've trained them for that. Have them grab some hippy kid and show them how to waterboard him until he cops to forging fishing licenses for Obama. You could also help them to build black widow spider cages that'll fit over the detainees head--that's something they could keep until the first Jenna or not-Jenna administration. What a gift that'd be.