Gov. Mark Sanford
State of South Carolina
cc: Newt Gingrich, Horndog
Michael Steele, Comedian
Dear Gov. Sanford,
Your latest confession has a lot of people wondering how exactly you had affairs with multiple women without actually having sex with any of them. I'm guessing it's a definitional issue, and that's a shame, because I thought Newt Gingrich cleared that up years ago. Remember that? He clearly stated that putting your little moralist into a lady's mouth isn't a sexual act. But here we seem to be going over all that again.
It's really something we need to clear up once and for all. That's especially true with Newt still in the presidential mix. But it's not just him. You'd be doing all the potential candidates a huge favor if you listed out all the acts you did with those women that weren't sexual. Just imagine if Ensign had known which acts were sexual and which weren't. He's still be in the race.
I'm enclosing a list to help you to help them. Just put a check mark next to all the non-sexual acts you committed with those women.
1. Putting your little governor into a lady's mouth.
2. Licking the little sailor in a boat (Yes, I know the sailor is a mythical creation of femislamunistofascists bent on undermining our wives' satisfaction with us, but that makes it even more nonsexual.)
3. Sending the little guy spelunking into someone's cave of shame.
4. Attempting to make lady-pillow babies.
5. Pleasuring yourself with an O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 while talking to a staffer on the phone.
6. The Grateful Grip of Glory
7. All those foreign, non-missionary positions.
8. Paying someone 40 bucks to trim your manparts with a Flowbee.
9. Asking the mailman to spank your bare butt with Ofjoshua's spatula while you have your way with one of Mr. Garcia's watermelons.
10. Covering yourself with honey, rolling in cornflakes, and then lying on the ground and waiting for the squirrels to go into a feeding frenzy.
Please get back to me quickly. 2012 is coming up. We don't have much time.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot