Some of you may recall that awhile back, God appeared to me in the form of a watermelon and commanded me to write An Even Newer Testament of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Well today, the holy ghost came upon me and instructed me to write the following.
Acts of The Governor
Chapter 1 in which the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina explores and enjoys many orifices for six days and repents on the seventh.
1. On the first day, the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina created an excuse. "Behold," he declared to his most cherished staff, "I shall tarry unto the Appalachian Trail to hiketh naked in the manner of our fathers; do not telleth my wife."
2. But the Governor hath made other plans, and he drove his ass unto the City of Atlanta, yea, even unto the great city's airport, and caughtethed a flight to Buena Aires to meet with the one he called She.
3. And She met the Governor at the airport and before departing to the inn, she kissed him with the tounge and grabbathed his unit and gaveth it a mighty honk. And the Governor spilt his seed inside his jeans and was well pleased.
4. On the second day, the Governor was awakened by She's mouth upon his manhood, sucking it as a lamb at it's mothers udder whilst humming various songs by the Village People.
5. And behold, the Governor made great and noisy grunting sounds and poundethed the wall with his left hand, loudly singing out our Lord Jesus' holy name three times before his cock crew.
6. On the third day, the Governor anointed "Mr Howdy," for that was what they had named his manly staff, with sacred lubricants and put it inside She's "Dark Hole of Jubilant Winds" over and over and over again.
7. And it was good.
8. On the fourth day, they covered each other with anchovy paste and herring and let loose a pair of penguins to roam about their connubial bed.
9. And on the fifth day, The Governor was the naughty school girl and She was the stern headmaster with the large collection of spatulas and power tools.
10. And on the sixth day, the Governor was exhausted, but very very happy, as She had povidethed him one last mighty and powerful honk upon his Mr. Howdy at the airport.
11. And on the seventh day, the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina repented tearfully and apologized profusely as he remembered She and spilt his seed inside his slacks.
12. And he was well pleased.