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Thursday, June 25, 2009

On the Seventh Day, He Repented

Some of you may recall that awhile back, God appeared to me in the form of a watermelon and commanded me to write An Even Newer Testament of Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Well today, the holy ghost came upon me and instructed me to write the following.

Acts of The Governor

Chapter 1 in which the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina explores and enjoys many orifices for six days and repents on the seventh.

1. On the first day, the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina created an excuse. "Behold," he declared to his most cherished staff, "I shall tarry unto the Appalachian Trail to hiketh naked in the manner of our fathers; do not telleth my wife."

2. But the Governor hath made other plans, and he drove his ass unto the City of Atlanta, yea, even unto the great city's airport, and caughtethed a flight to Buena Aires to meet with the one he called She.

3. And She met the Governor at the airport and before departing to the inn, she kissed him with the tounge and grabbathed his unit and gaveth it a mighty honk. And the Governor spilt his seed inside his jeans and was well pleased.

4. On the second day, the Governor was awakened by She's mouth upon his manhood, sucking it as a lamb at it's mothers udder whilst humming various songs by the Village People.

5. And behold, the Governor made great and noisy grunting sounds and poundethed the wall with his left hand, loudly singing out our Lord Jesus' holy name three times before his cock crew.

6. On the third day, the Governor anointed "Mr Howdy," for that was what they had named his manly staff, with sacred lubricants and put it inside She's "Dark Hole of Jubilant Winds" over and over and over again.

7. And it was good.

8. On the fourth day, they covered each other with anchovy paste and herring and let loose a pair of penguins to roam about their connubial bed.

9. And on the fifth day, The Governor was the naughty school girl and She was the stern headmaster with the large collection of spatulas and power tools.

10. And on the sixth day, the Governor was exhausted, but very very happy, as She had povidethed him one last mighty and powerful honk upon his Mr. Howdy at the airport.

11. And on the seventh day, the Governor of All the More Pallid Peoples of South Carolina repented tearfully and apologized profusely as he remembered She and spilt his seed inside his slacks.

12. And he was well pleased.


  1. And, this must be why the Mets have won and the Phillies lost! (So it is written).

    Honestly, I spent some time in South Carolina in September of 2008, and even was in a church, and nothing of this Sort occurred to me.

    I did see the shiny Strom Thurmond biographies in the airport.

  2. General, thine humor is as the Guvner's member, rising high and containing potent eructations evenutally drying crusty as the upper crust that is the Guvner's station. And the annointing was with volume and power and the She did grin. We mightst even henceforth refer to Mr. Happy as the Holy Hand Grenade. Amen.

  3. Does a cock 'crew'? Maybe it crowed but unless there's a few of them, I don't think that they can 'crew'

  4. Why is it at all the orgies I'm always the one who has to fuck Gary Bauer? I'm sick of it, and I'm not gonna do it anymore. Let somebody else fuck Gary Bauer. Sheesh.

    What were we talking about?


  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Anonymous6:52 AM

    "The Governor was the naughty school girl and She was the stern headmaster"

    What, did he go to high school in England?

    Speaking of which, I'm reminded of this British report on Senator Dale Lee Axby (NSFW:

  7. Well, if they did it like that, so biblical and all that, then what's the fuss all about? I thought they were engaging in something outside religous boundaries, but this was obviously annointed.

    P.S. How does one go about removing your own comment? I sometimes would like to do that.

  8. The Word of the General for the people of the General. Amen.

  9. That picture you have of Sanford makes me wonder. Did he get that round mouth from eating square meals?

  10. Anonymous10:32 AM

    What I wanna know is, were they gay penguins? That’s what I wanna know.

  11. Anonymous10:40 AM

    Off topic, Gen’rul, sir, but your man Hal Turner’s at it again.

    Is it time for another Code 55?

  12. Where's the reporting on the REAL reason Sanford went to Argentina: he was rescuing the poor, helpless Oompaloompas. There was even one at the press conference.

    Really! Watch behind Sanford's right shoulder, in the background. No, ignore he grinning woman... just keep watching. You'll see it.

  13. Anonymous4:11 PM

    Elsewhere: Mark Sanford is the nation’s first “emo” Governor.

    I don’t say it nearly often enough: God bless David Rees.

  14. I thought, Sanford being a cheap bastard, that he 'split' his seed. One for for for you...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.