Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, February 27, 2009

An Even Newer Testament

God came to my bed and spoke to me last night. It was rather disconcerting at first because He had taken the form of a watermelon, but after I figured out who it was, it became the most wonderfully glorious experience I've ever had.

He told me that the New Testament made him sound like a wussy and commanded me to update the Bible with an even newer testament.

Of course I started right away.

The Book of Beginningsth

Chapter 1: Wherein God Appeareth to Me

1. It wasth on an evening in 2009 of the year of our Lord, that I layeth upon my bed and did thinketh many thoughts of teevee wrestling.

2. Seeing that mine wife, OfJoshua, waseth sleeping, I reachethed for mine mason jar and beganeth my nightly obligation of liberation.

3. Then suddenly, a watermelon of exceeding fairness did appear before me and, I, now true and fully consumed with thee divine fervor of liberation, did reacheth out and did swiftly draw it deep unto mine loins.

4. But, yea! Just then it spaketh loudly unto me, and cried with a great and exceedingly bitter cry, saying unto me: "Stop that Joshua! Stoppeth at this very time, righteth now! For behold, O Joshua, yea, verily, I am NOT one of thy worldly ungodly concupithent watermelons! Nay, I AM the Lord thy God and I shall SMITE thine very tiny soldier if thou continuest to grind it thusly against my impeccable rind of divine"

5. "God, God, ooooooooh God," did I then screameth, yea, verily, doing so whilst the core of my very soul did explodeth, yea, verily, doing so (behold!) in ecstatic glory.

7. "Me dammit, Joshua," sayeth the Lord.

8. "Sorry, my Lord," sayeth I justeth then, "Pray allow me the divine privilege to scrapeth that off into mine mason jar of godly liberation.."

9. And the Lord Our God spaketh unto me again, and in that saying did He sayeth to me: "O well. It isth good, Joshua, for it keepeth mine rind so very soft and shiny."

10. "O Joshua, my faithful servant. Mine children have been seduced by false liberal prophets who proclaim Me to be a compassionate God, a caring God."

11. "It is all the fault of Mary sister of Lazarus. She hath so softened me. Many many timeth did she whineth unto me, saying, "O why why why don't thou doest something to maketh the meek feelest better, O yea, the Samaritans, and the peacemakers, and the lepers, and to do likewise unto all the ladies who weareth flowers in their hair and who useth henna to draw peace idols uponeth their soft Venusian mounds?' Then Mary did poketh forth to me chesty parts, if thou knowest what I mean -- O yea, when did she do that thing where thou canst almost see her firm pink dates straining against the fabric of her robe. O Me! I did so loveth that."

12. And then God did heartily laugh and did deeply punch me in mine shoulder.

13. "So verily I did what Mary, Sister of Lazarus, commandeth; and I travelethed throughot the land healing lepers and parroting lyrics I stolethed from Mary Sister of Lazaruth's folk singer friends.

14. And verily she kepteth it up with the apostles after I was resurrected and decided to hangeth in Heaven for awhile. To Peter, she goeth and poketh forth to him her chesty parts and sayeth, Peter, do not telleth that story about the time thou and Jesus dranketh the wine and rogerethed the shepherd boys.

15. Telleth, instead, the the tales of the lepers. and she did the same with Thomas, and with James, and with all the others. And I knoweth she was doingeth that sneaky bastard, Judas, Me dammit. I'm omniscient.

16 Anywayeth, they passeth those stories onto many generations and eventually they becameth the New Testament. That's why My children thinketh I'm a wimp.

17. I need you to writeth Me an even newer testament, one that makes be seemeth more badass.

18. Behold the Google. Findeth some stories about the works of mine truest servants, and type them into thine electric typing machine.

Chapter 2. Wherein A Father Traineth Up His Son

1. And it came to pass that I googlethed the Google and foundethed a story about a true follower of Our Lord.

2. A father sayeth unto his son, let us go now, even unto Baltimore, so that we might worship Our lord, Jesus, within His house.

3. And so they journeyed unto Baltimore and entered into the house within which Jesus dwelleth.

4. And the father sayeth to the son, "Removeth thine head adornment, for we are in a holy place."

5. The son replieth, "Sucketh it, father, for thou hast given me a haircut that is unsightly in the eyes of Becky."

6. The son's word angered the father and, verily, he reached into his pocket, withdreweth a shiv, and shankethed the disobediaent and disrespectful son. Yeah, eveneth in his ass.

7. And there was much joy in the House of the Lord.

Chapter 3. The Holy Corolla of Sabbath Keeping.

1. There beeth a woman, Annie, in the land of Georgia whose dedication to keeping the sabbath holy is above all others.

2. Verily, she rose on a recent sabbath morning and sayeth to her man, "It is the sabbath, let us prepare ourselves to traveleth to our worship place so that we may praise Jesus.

3. "No, woman," speaketh the man, " I cannot worship today, for mine brother Cletis, needeth me to findeth anhydrous ammonia for the medicine crystals he cooketh.

4. Annie was not pleased, for the spirit of the Lord came upon her and whispereth, "Thine man is tarrying to Waycross, to know the harlot, Eunice."

5. "Leaveth thine house as if you goeth to thine worship place, but then waiteth in the place of parking," the spirit spaketh, "and when thine man cometh out, flatten him like unleavened bread with thine Corolla."

6. "And lo, it came to pass that when the man set froth from his house, Annie sendeth her Corolla at him with exceeding speed, but he dodgethed her chariot by taking refuge on an Accord before fleeing across the field of grass."

7.And verily, Annie saw him on the grass and screamethed "Ha, thou hath shittethed thine pants," and droveth her Corolla across the grass and chasethed him for 17 blocks.

8. The Lord was very pleasethed by her determination. He blessethed her with 14 children and a carton of the most fragrant smokes.

More to come...

A big helmet tip to NBFH who helpeth me writeth God words.


  1. I am so pleasethed to hear word of our lord through witnesseth of grinding melon, as the angels sing tabernacle, blessethed upon a new age of man seen in the light of truth.

  2. General, Sireth:

    Whoa, 'scuse me, Sir.

    What I wanted to say was that the gentleman from Bal'more and that young lady from Sparta ought to get together. They sound like a couple of "Hitters for JHWH" if there ever were any.

  3. Yeah, verily say I unto thee, O thir General thir, I hadst not til this very reading apprethiated suffithiently the true truth of these Thy thstories. Knowing now truly their truth, respondeth I to thee and them, as yea verily I slappeth hard mine hand on mine forehead, crying: "Oy!"

  4. Yea, and the Lord sayeth unto me, “Set down thy vessel of coffee before you readeth this most Holy Post of Posts, for it will causeth you to snort hot java through thine blessed Sinuses, in a downward fashion, upon thy newly christened MacBook.”

    An lo, I put down my most Holy Vessel of Joe, and I readeth this post, and it caused me not to spill my, er, Joe on the ground, so good was the advice of the Lord my God.

    And there was much rejoicing.

  5. Now I think I understand why my he-man sometimes calls me his "little melon" during my required, wifely duties.

  6. More to come...

    And that's the beauty of Modern Christianity! Its followers keep providing new parables for The Gospel of the 900-Foot-Tall Smighty Jesus Whose Eyes Emitteth Laser Beamth. I can see how this new Gospel will have more chapters than Helmet Tips...

  7. Generalth sireth, whadath thou mean, "helpeth me writeth God words"? Dideth he heareth them also? If so, NBFH deserveth a promotion. What wouldth hisith neweth title beath?

  8. In the beginning there was the word, and I looked, and it was good.

    but I must confess I was unaware that Jehovah had a lisp. It kinda explains a few things.

  9. The fruits of thine jocularity should be rewarded with the finest Moon Pie and RC Cola that the land of Georgia has to offer.

  10. That is an incredible start to what could be an incredible novel! I think you should keep at it! Maybe with a little less of the old English writing, no fucker can read that, and besides its supposed to be a 'newer testament' modernise it!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.