Pro Life Pulse
Dear Nurse Stanek,
First, I want to thank you for asking the FBI to interview me for "threatening your life." I can't wait for them to contact me. It'll be a great opportunity for me to show actual representatives of the United States government all the good work we're doing--me, with my spermatazoan-American liberation and housing project (I'm hoping the agent will help me fill up the rest of this mason jar), and you, with your tacit encouragement of those who would assassinate our nation's doctors.
I've been thinking a lot about the work you're doing lately, and all the success the Coerced Childbirth Movement has had in reducing the number of doctors willing to perform late-term abortions. I'm not sure how many there were ten years ago, but after a decade of pro-life assassinations, there appear to be only two (and maybe only one, soon, if an assassin for Jesus puts the photos and addresses to which you linked to use.
That means there are a lot more babies being born to suffer in extreme pain for a few hours before they pass into Jesus' compassionate hands. Now, that might be what Jesus wants. We know he loves his pain and suffering--why else would he command she-bears to tear 40 children apart simple because the kids made fun of a bald guy--but then again, maybe He wants us to do a little more to help those children after they're born.
No, I'm not suggesting something immoral like providing them with welfare or education or anything like that. I mean, maybe we could make it easier for doctors to find adult stem cells to inject into these tiny fetus-Americans while they're still snuggled up in their flesh incubators.
As it is, it's hard to find good, adult stem cells. There just aren't a lot of them in an adult; they are impossible to grow in cultures; and, with the exception of those found in brains, they're not very good at transforming into the proper cells. So what we need is a bigger supply of brains, so we can increase our supply of stem cells from those brains. Does that make sense?
But where can we get these brains? They'd have to be fresh, and they'd have to be obtained in a way life-loving Christians like ourselves would deem to be ethical.
Well, I've given it a bit of thought and come up with a number of potential sources.
1. People who are legally executed. They could come from any place execution is legal like the US, China, Iran, etc.
2. People who are accidental killed while being tortured to defend freedom. We've killed dozens so far. Might as well put their brains to use.
3. The fetus-American's own flesh incubator. A lot more of those will be dying now, and hey, let's admit it, we don't give a damn about them anyway.
4. The greedy bastards who wanted a public option for healthcare and ain't getting it now. They'll be dying; let's grab their brains for the fetuses.
5. Oh, and the OB/GYN's who are assassinated by those who take your rhetoric seriously.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot.