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Friday, July 31, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion Health insurance companies exist to facilitate health care has died of a preexisting medical condition while on vacation in Filthy Lucre on the Thames, a vacation resort for people who will not have sex with the maid in a midsized sedan. The Opinion will be sorely missed by anyone who has ever believed that by benefit of clapping their hands a small, blond hypoxic faerie will come back to life without benefit of CPR.

The Opinion lived a happy life among some of the hardest working, most deluded people ever to cough up a hefty co-pay. Buoyed along by the idea that humans are probably already too damaged to heal, the Opinion thrived as its lobbyists bathed politicians in showers of greenbacks, waterfalls of moola and torrents of hard cash while assuring their customers that single-payer is Creeping Socialism and The Black Hand of Death all at the same time. If money was sex the Opinion was Marat Sade at the Mustang Ranch on Twenty Dollar Tuesday. Ask not whom should assume the position: assume it for the profiteers.

The Opinion leaves behind a glorious array of gilded friendships, golden alliances, internecine hand-jobs and greed-oriented networking that would shame a gluttonous pig on Eat All You Want, You Gluttonous Pig night. In lieu of flowers the family asks that you just bring your debit cards and then die as an out-patient, preferably near a conveniently positioned garbage bin.


The Opinuary Column appears on Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

No patients were healed in the writing of this Opinuary.



  1. Yes! Yes! A thousand times YES!

  2. I pity these Australians. They don't have the joys of health insurance (unless they want to get into a private hospital, which are reserved for toffs and wankers.)

    Aussies suffer under a system of medicosocialistifascism, where the government just lets them into hospitals for FREE! It's awful. And if they want to go to a doctor, there are clinics on almost every street where you can just WALK RIGHT IN and not get charged very much. And no medicine costs more than $29.50 for a month's supply, because the evil government caps the cost and pays anything over that amount.

    Instead of worrying that they'll be faced with the choice of dying or going broke, which makes a citizen tough and strong, these Aussies have a "No worries, mate!" attitude. Makes 'em a buncha pansies, I tell ya. They'd gladly swap systems with America, any day.

  3. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Can we be sure it's dead, though? This opinion has more lives than a lab rat and the damn thing just keeps coming back to life, with distressing regularity, every election year. How will we ever reach Soylent Green Nirvana if we keep making folks live longer on the gummint's dime?

    Bukko in Australia:

    Seriously, $29.50 a month? Is that in Aussie $'s or real money (Euros)? I can drink a lot of Foster's in a month, Bukko, and I mean A LOT!!

  4. Aussies and their cap and gown thingy. Cap the price, undress and put on this gown. What kind of bullshit is that?? I like the image of the Humana amblances droppin semi-alive patients off on skid row, hoping that no one notices the wristbands. Now thats Randian/GOP/Luntzian innnovation.
    We're getting a new low for American sheep/voters on the stupid poll. If the usual suspects kill the healthcare reform, I am joining the GOP, shopping at Walmart, and burning crude oil 55 gallons at a time. Do these swine still wear white belts? I think I can nab one at the Goodwill....

  5. All this healthcare stuff is over my head, really. But lemme just pose this question: Of all those doofuses hyperventilating over, uh, “socialized medicine,” how many of them attended public schools? Or public universities. I wonder how many of their kids, or their neighbors, or their neighbors’ kids, or their relatives, or their relatives’ kids attended public schools, or public universities. I wonder how many of them would be willing to jettison public education altogether, even if they, or their kids, or their relatives don’t or didn’t attend public schools.

    Okay, that was more than one question. Like I said, all this healthcare stuff is over my head. But like education, isn’t healthcare kind of, um, important and stuff?

  6. Bukko,

    OI! We're tough and strong... it's all the cheap, universal drugs we pump into us.


    Fosters is the running gag Australians have on the rest of the world. No-one in Aus *ever* drinks that swill. Just remember: When you drink a Fosters, 20 million Aussies have laughed.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.